What I Learned from a Decade of Failed Relationships (part 3)

You are 100% Responsible for Your 50% of the Relationship

Three entities exist in every relationship – the two individuals and the relationship itself. A therapist once told me that each partner is 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship. Energy and effort exerted in pursuit of relationship success requires a degree of mutuality. For a relationship to work, each partner must carry their weight.
The 100% responsibility principle is significant when relationship problems surface. Does he sit passively, leaving the responsibility for resolution on the shoulders of his partner or does he take initiative in the matter? What if the problem at hand is only a problem for her and her partner is oblivious to the fact that anything is wrong? Does she sit passively, expecting her partner to get it? Does she communicate her needs or what she sees affecting the relationship, or, just remain silent allowing resentment to build?
How does he respond when his partner approaches with concerns – anger, defensiveness, indifference? Is a little psychological jiu jitsu used where suddenly the focus of the conversation is redirected to his grievances about his partner?
Pointing the finger of blame is a common response when problems arise but rarely, if ever, is responsibility for the relationship not shared. Blame, in this context, is nothing more than responsibility avoidance…at least, as it relates to resolving the problem.
“It’s your fault!” Ok, now what? Blame offers no solution or strategy to address the issue and outsources that task to the one blamed. A victim stance is assumed and the authority and capacity to act from an empowered stance is sacrificed.
Own Your Sh*t
Acknowledging mistakes, shortcomings, wrongdoings, etc. (i.e. imperfection) is often a starting point in resolving relationship problems; particularly when there is an issue between partners. It amazes me how difficult it is for some people to say, “I was wrong” or “I f***ed up.” The earth does not stop spinning and it goes a long way toward a harmonious relationship.
A mature relationship requires mature partners and mature partners don’t engage in finger-pointing and blame. When partners are willing to own their sh*t, and we all have it and bring it to our relationships, there is no reason to engage in such antics.
It is important to note that we are often unconscious of the sh*t we bring to our relationships and our relationships are sure to stir it up. Getting caught in the blame game cheats us out of the opportunity to address old stuff that, if resolved, could actually help to improve life with our partners. We can only do that if we are willing look in the mirror and see parts of ourselves previously hidden or unknown.
The Drama Triangle
Being an adult requires being responsible and being responsible requires giving up your victim. In the late 60s, Stephen Karpman developed a model of human interaction known as the Karpman Drama Triangle. He describes three roles we assume in the course of our interactions with others – victim, persecutor and rescuer.
We can assume any of these roles and drama is typically the result. In the victim role we exist disempowered, at the mercy of our persecutors (people or circumstances), blaming them for what is not working in our lives.
I think of persecutors as victims who have had enough. Being victimized imprints the psyche with the capacity to victimize. Tired of the powerless state of the victim, the persecutor role is often a quick path to empowerment.
The same is true of the rescuer role. Rescuers enter to save to the day, unknowingly reinforcing the victim/persecutor dynamic and the victim’s identity as helpless and dependent. It is a position of power and esteem.
Taking responsibility begins with acknowledging the role(s) assumed. As victims we may view our partners as persecutors, blaming them for all that is wrong in our lives or the relationship. As victims
we may seek inappropriate rescue, looking to them to assume responsibility for that which is ours. When they do not, they can easily become persecutors in the eyes of someone assuming a victim orientation.
As rescuers, the tendency is to over function; assuming your 100% and perhaps 25% that belongs to your partner. It is akin to giving assistance neither asked for nor desired and can result in a partner feeling disempowered or controlled. In other instances, rescuing behavior can be elicited by a partner in victim mode. Those who over function often become resentful, thinking they are giving too much while failing to realize it is a self-imposed state.
Healthier alternatives exist that facilitate greater relationship balance where both partners take responsibility, not blame. Where both mutually seek support, not rescue. Where both serve as facilitators of the others growth, not advantage at the expense of the others well-being.
In the event you are assuming 100% responsibility for your 50% of the relationship and your partner is not or neither of you are willing to do so, relationship success is highly unlikely. If you are over functioning, assuming responsibility that is the domain of your partner, an imbalance exists that can lead to resentment and disharmony. If both are over functioning, essentially what exists is a struggle for power and dominance; not necessarily the stuff of successful relationships.

Mutuality and balance in relationship functioning are essential. Assuming responsibility for your part of relationship success is as much about the big things as they are about the little things. Many dimensions exist in all relationships – resolving problems, fun, household tasks, socializing, finances, etc. One partner cannot bear the burden of the whole of relationship life while the other exists passively.
No magic formula exists regarding the relationship equation. Partners must discern, based on personality, strengths and weaknesses, preferences and many other factors specific to them, how they will function as a couple and what is required of each to ensure needs are met.
If relationship success is the goal, we must do our part and do it to the fullest – 100%. 
credit:Russell V. Richard

What I Learned from a Decade of Failed Relationships (part 2)

It Will Work or It Won’t
Two possible outcomes exist at the beginning of every relationship – it will result in a lifelong commitment or ultimately end. One party, for whatever reason, will conclude the relationship no longer works or the decision to part will be mutual.
Yeah, that kinda kills that buzz that comes with new romance. You know what I mean. That period when the birds are always singing, the sun is always shining and you can’t wait until the next time you see your guy or girl.
Statistically speaking, the odds are not in favor of a lifelong commitment and it does not take an elaborate research project to figure this out. For those who are married, think of the number of relationships you had or how many people you dated before finding The One. If you are fortunate enough to have found your One and Only on the second or third try, think of your friends and acquaintances and how many attempts it took for them. The same question applies to those who are still looking.
This non-romantic approach to starting a relationship is not intended to kill your buzz or take away from the joy of new romance. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I received was to enjoy it while it lasts because this period will fade. The high ultimately wears off and the task of two separate entities seeking to co-exist in the container of a relationship is at hand.
A second piece of lasting advice I received is that perspective is everything. The awareness that your new relationship may or may not last is important because it can serve as a litmus test to discern readiness to enter a relationship.
I often ask clients contemplating a new relationship how they will be affected if things do not work out. When the answer is “devastated”, I invite them to question their readiness. If nothing else, understanding the odds are not in favor of an enduring partnership can foster a healthy balance between reason and emotion. As Brad Paisley says in the song, I’m Still a Guy, “love makes a man do some things he ain’t proud of”. Same holds true for women.
Commitment is a Process
In the oxytocin fueled intoxication of infatuation, the tendency to believe he or she is The One is a cruel trick of the mind. For God’s sake how well do we really know someone in two or three months of dating?
My approach to dating is best described in the following way. Two people at opposite ends of a room are mutually attracted to each other, desire some form of connection beyond friendship and begin taking steps toward each other. With each step, more is revealed and more is known. To the extent there is comfort at each stage of the process, the next step forward is taken. Because conflict is inevitable, at some point the process of moving forward will come to a halt.
A few things can happen at this point: One or both parties will decide things will not work and leave the room entirely. One or both may take a step, or two, back and re-evaluate the relationship. They may ignore the conflict and proceed (this only ensures it will resurface and be a source of disconnection for the couple). If the conflict is adequately resolved, the process of moving forward continues.
The beauty of conflict is that, if properly resolved, it fosters greater connection and intimacy as a certain openness of one’s inner experience is required. Not always comfortable or easy but can result in two or three steps forward in the relationship building process.
These steps forward ultimately result in the two individuals meeting in the center of the room which symbolizes commitment. Commitment first begins with the decision to become exclusive. Engagement for marriage represents another process of moving to the center of the room and the decision to marry (or co-exist in a lifelong relationship) represents yet another.
Courting vs. Hooking Up
The old people where I come from call this process courting; not a term you hear much these days. Today we hook up. Too often movement from opposite ends of the room to the center occurs in one giant step.
Courting is a process and a very important one. Too many find themselves committed without fully knowing who they are committed to only to discover the dead bodies in the backyard, 13 children from previous hook ups or some other deal-breaking reality after the fact. A bit extreme, perhaps, but does happen and people often find themselves entangled with another in ways that are hard to disentangle.
Give it time but don’t waste time trying to fit square pegs in round holes. Know what you want and do not want before anyone even comes along. Know your deal breakers, what is negotiable and what is of no consequence with regard to your wants in a partner and a relationship. Ask questions, communicate, share, face and resolve conflict. Don’t move too fast…or too slow. Discern compatibility, choose to commit consciously and determine whether he or she has earned the privilege of your commitment. Base your choices on your head AND your heart.
Dating and relationships are complicated endeavors. Much can and should be done to avoid the missteps that cause relationships to fail but despite our best efforts to work toward success, nothing in life is guaranteed. Our relationships will either work or they won’t.

Credit:Russell V. Richard

What I Learned from a Decade of Failed Relationships (part 1)

My original intention was to write a single post chronicling lessons learned from my relationships over the past ten years. As I began writing, too much content emerged to put in one blog post. What began as a single entry has become a series. Apparently I have learned more than a few things from a decade of failed relationships. I describe them as such because none resulted in the ultimate goal of marriage.

Last year it occurred to me that I had been divorced for 10 years. 10 years! Pretty crazy for someone who really enjoyed marriage. I loved all married life offered yet it has eluded me for over a decade. It is certainly not from a lack of trying. I have dated and been involved in more relationships than I care to acknowledge or ever wanted.
For the most part, I was seeking the next Mrs. Richard. Even when I was not, what was meant to be casual dating often turned into something more than intended. As you might expect, some of those experiences did not end well. Ok, many of them did not end well. But those endings were the beginning of understanding a thing or two about relationships…
Despite choosing to write a series on the subject of relationships, this initial blog post remains lengthy. For those who do not have the time or attention span to read an excessively long blog, the key ideas are outlined below:

• The one constant in all your relationships is YOU! Time spent focusing on your partner is a distraction from the inner work required to create a healthier you.
• Your most important relationship is with yourself. How you think and feel about yourself colors your understanding of and relationship to everyone and everything else.
• We are multidimensional beings composed different parts that make up the whole our being and doing. Inner conflict results when these parts do not interact harmoniously.
• All endeavors begin with the self. The more mature, intact, balanced, whole, secure and aware we become, the greater our chances of creating successful, healthy, happy, harmonious relationships with others.

 The One Constant in All Your Relationships is YOU
Relationships are composed of two separate individuals seeking to co-exist. A container is created which holds and supports each individual as they grow collectively and individually. Each is responsible for themselves and each is responsible for the relationship. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts but each part is of vital significance and yours should be your primary focus.
My failed relationships typically ended with me finding fault and placing responsibility for its demise on the other party. Despite the ability to own my deficiencies, the focus was on hers. She was either self-centered, mean-spirited, too unavailable, too needy, too incompatible, too much of something or not enough of something else.
What I failed to acknowledge was the common denominator in all my relationships was ME! The time spent analyzing, fault-finding and character assassinating my Exes only ensured I would cheat myself out of the inner work required to attract different partners, avoid relationships with no potential, stop forcing square pegs into round holes and learn to relate and respond in ways more favorable to relationship success.
We bring the totality of ourselves to the relationship equation – the good, the bad and the ugly, our strengths and weaknesses and our gifts, talents and imperfections. Time spent focusing externally only keeps us from the truth that, in all our relations, the one constant is us.  So maybe, just maybe, it behooves us to focus more on the role we play in our relationship failures than our partner’s.
Your Most Important Relationship is with YOURSELF
The most important relationship we will ever have is with ourselves. Many argue that our relationship to God or our higher power is the most important. While this is true in one respect, how we think and feel about ourselves colors our understanding of and relationship to the Divine and everyone and everything else. Those lacking in the belief that they are worthy and deserving of the Creator’s blessings struggle to receive them, often even to see them.
One of the more powerful interventions I use in my practice is simply to have people look at themselves in a mirror. How we think and feel about ourselves is revealed in the answer to the question, “what do you see?” Many see a self defined by internalized messages of parents, peers and other key figures during the formative years.
Neurologically primed to tune into the negative, the positives are often lost or rendered insignificant. Some receive few, if any, statements of their worth or value. What is said and done to us as children communicates powerful messages that, indeed, become our inner voice and the reflection we see staring back at us.
Others struggle to look deeply into themselves because of their lived experience. I have worked with clients who can only see past traumas reflected back to them; their own self-image a reminder of the abuse they endured.
I half-jokingly, half-seriously say your mirror should be your best friend. If the person staring back at you is constantly tearing you down, it will be pretty difficult to face the world with power and confidence. The idea of your mirror being your best friend is not vanity. I am not speaking of arrogance or ego inflation but a humble reminder of your inherent worth and the unique gifts and talents you bring to the world.
It does not matter what anyone has said to you or done to you. A power far greater than anyone who has condemned you, abused you or spoken ill of you decided you should be here…in this life, in this place, at this time. Is there any greater indication of your worth and value than that?
How we think about ourselves influences how we relate to others which influences how others relate to us which shapes our relationship destiny. If my core belief about myself is that I lack worth and value, I will attract others who confirm this belief. When they do not, I will unconsciously create relationship dynamics to fit this narrative.
This is more commonly known as self-sabotage. I seek a good man but attract a bad boy. I seek an attentive woman but attract a self-absorbed diva. When Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along, I am not attracted or push them away.
The Challenge of Multidimensionality
How we think and feel about ourselves is not the only factor influencing how we relate to ourselves or the self we bring to relationships. While we are one part of the whole of our relationship, we are also multidimensional beings composed different parts that make up the whole of us. Most of us think of ourselves as one single self; a single entity interacting with the external world. In truth we are several selves with any one of them capable of dictating our actions and interactions.
Think of yourself as a bus with the different parts of your personality representing its passengers. At any given time any one of them can take the wheel. The question is who (or which part of you) is driving and do you want that part in the driver’s seat? The course of our lives, our decisions and choices and their inevitable outcomes depends on which part of us is driving our bus.
Multidimensionality is not to be confused with Dissociative Identity Disorder (more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). That is an entirely different matter. Have you ever said, “A part of me that wants to __________?” This implies another part that does not or wants something else. The devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other also illustrate this point.
In my own experience, a part of me likes to sit home and read books. A very different part of me likes going to parties. Yet another part of me likes playing sports while another would rather write this blog. The passengers in our bus emerge at different times in our lives for specific purposes but do not always function harmoniously.
Inner conflict represents different parts of ourselves warring against each other. A lonely and needy part may desperately want to enter a new relationship while a hurt part may resist. The part that desires independence may surface in response to a partner’s request to take the relationship to the next level. The part that desires control may conflict with the part that realizes the need for compromise.
Know Thyself
The importance of this point is summed up in the ancient wisdom that commands us to know thyself. Remove the speck of dust in our eye before removing the plank from the eye of another. Let him who would move the world first move himself. Be the change you seek in the world. These quotes from the Bible, Socrates and Gandhi point to the fact that all endeavors begin with the self.
The quality of our relationships reflects the quality of the self we bring to them – the level of consciousness and psycho-spiritual maturity we have attained and the harmony existing among the parts that form the whole of us. The more mature, intact, balanced, secure and aware we become, the greater our chances of creating successful, healthy, happy, harmonious relationships with others.

Why Forgiveness is Necessary When it Comes to Love

We’ve all heard the saying “forgive and forget,” but how many of us truly know what this means or how to do it? Forgiveness involves engaging with a complex series of emotions – anger, pain, frustration, and fear – which most of us try to avoid.
Unfortunately, we can’t escape these feelings in life, at least not for long. Chances are, you have been hurt in the past, and you have experienced anger, pain, frustration, and fear. All of these emotions have shaped your current perception of the world, along with the decisions you make, your health, your attitude – nearly every aspect of your life.
The real question is – to what extent have you let these negative emotions go?
Forgiveness is not easy. It’s not a benevolent gesture to be bestowed on someone who has wronged you, to free him from guilt. It’s not about him at all. Instead, it’s an active, challenging internal process that is specifically to help you. It is a shedding of those negative emotions that hold you back, that prevent you from feeling peace, happiness, and even love.
Let’s take an example. Do you have an ex who cheated on you or somehow blindsided you? Did you have to give up on your idea of what the relationship was – and the life you thought you’d have together? Now think about how you dealt with the pain. Did you allow yourself to grieve, or did you emotionally attack your ex in anger? Or did you hold the pain inside of you, forcing yourself to internalize your hurt and carry on?
When you hold on to negative emotions like these, they manifest in your psyche. Over time, you don’t trust men (or women), and have sabotaged recent relationships trying to achieve some sort of guarantee that you wouldn’t get hurt again. Or maybe you have numbed yourself, hiding behind a string of casual relationships that never quite satisfy you. Either way, there is a common link here. You have become so wrapped up in the injustice of the past that you can’t live in the present. Perhaps you’ve become depressed and anxious, or you can’t help but look at the world as a frightening place that needs to be controlled, because it will only let you down.
Maybe it’s time to let go of the baggage you are carrying. Maybe it’s time you considered forgiveness.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with justice, or denying your own pain and the other person’s responsibility in hurting you. Rather, it’s a choice to help yourself – to release the emotional prison you’ve constructed that is no longer serving you and is in fact, keeping love out. Forgiveness is ultimately an act of love for yourself – to allow you to feel peace, joy, and love again.
Forgiveness not only helps heal your emotional scars, but physical ones, too. The Mayo Clinic looks at the health implications of letting go of grudges, resentments, and pain, which they say leads to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress, and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• A stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Higher self-esteem

As you forgive and let go, your life will no longer be defined by your pain. Instead, you’ll have greater compassion and understanding towards others. Your perspective changes because you have changed.
If you aren’t ready to forgive your ex, start with more manageable goals, like forgiving the guy who cuts you off on the highway or your neighbor who had the loud party last night. When you are able to forgive and let go of the small things, you’ll be better prepared to let go of what’s really hurting you, like your ex’s betrayal.
Forgiveness is a process, so be kind to yourself along the way. The more you work towards compassion for others, the more prepared you’ll be to allow forgiveness to work its magic in your life.

Make it Easy for Him to Love You

You’ve probably heard that men like a woman who can be easygoing and fun to be with. And that’s entirely true, especially when you’re talking about men who handle a lot of pressure at work. But this doesn’t mean you need to be a pushover. Read on to find out how you can make it easy for him to be with you…without losing what’s important to you.

HOW HUMAN NATURE CAN WORK AGAINST YOU

Everyone wants to have their needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an amazing thing to develop in your life (and that goes for every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what they think and what they want. The root of most communication problems lies in NOT considering the other side.

If you want a man to listen to you and communicate well with you, then you need to honestly and critically consider the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from…all at the same time. Here’s the thing…

PUTTING YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WORKS FOR BOTH OF YOU

When you don’t do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

I see a form of this all the time in business, by the way. Say somebody wants to sell me something. If they immediately lunge in with their agenda, it will likely put me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what they want from me…the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.  It’s very simple…but extremely powerful.

SHIFTING TO TEAM-BASED THINKING

So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with a man. Namely, you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.

Say your boyfriend has a habit of zoning out when he gets home, and you’d like to go out a few nights a week. You can start with an affirming statement like, “I really care about our relationship, and I want us both to be happy.”

When you lead like this, he won’t feel the need to be defensive. You’ll have created a safe space for him to listen. Then you can say: “I understand you’re really tired sometimes and just want to zone out, but I just need to have some nights during the week when we can do something together.” Then you come up with an event you both like rather than focusing on the negative. When you do this, he’ll begin to see you two as a team – and that’s a win-win for both of you.
coutesy:eharmony

How Much Should You Compromise In a Relationship?

 

 

Thoughts to consider when compromising and when to call it quits.

Every relationship needs a fair share of adjusting and compromising by both partners. In this column, I would like to explore some guidelines and boundaries on this tendency to compromise. How much is too much compromise and when/how do you know that it is time to voice your concerns and discuss the issue in hand openly and honestly and at what time you should just end the relationship.
Compromising is an important aspect of every relationship.  It ought not be the same person who is always compromising, now should it be that only one person does all of the compromising. On any given discussion, both parties must be willing to compromise. If not, the one person who does the compromising shall begin to have resentment.  Resentment builds up over time until there is no fixing a relationship. Thus, it is highly important that both people bend when a compromise is needed.
We all have our limits and hopefully boundaries. We all experience heartache when an agreement is made, and then broken.  It doesn’t really matter what the reasoning was behind breaking an agreement, only that the agreement was null and void due to his actions. When this occurs, it is important to discuss what happened and if the agreement requires some adjustments.  It is also important at this time to emphasize that when an agreement is no longer working for either of you that a discussion and modification of the agreement needs to occur. If either party cannot or is not willing to accept the new agreement, or you cannot agree to disagree, then it is time to go separate ways. As long as there is good, clear and frequent communication, stay with the partner.

Breaking Up Hurts So Bad Because Your Body Really DOES Feel Pain

 

 

A broken heart for many people is the same pain sensation of getting physically hurt.

Breaking up is hard to do, is more complicated than one may think.
Our bodies not only get attracted to another human on a mental level but a chemical level as well. When that attachment gets broken our bodies will go through a phase of withdrawal.
Not only does our mind long for that person but the loss of the chemical connection literally sends a message to the brain or the brain sends a message to the body that simulates pain.

 

A broken heart for many people is the same pain sensation of getting physically hurt.
Breaking up or being dumped actually heightens the pheromone of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women. Withdrawal from this is like weaning off of a drug, that is why physical distance from that person is helpful in the breaking up process. The breakup triggers our fear of survival in the amygdala, this part of the brain that engages in worry and critical thinking or judgment. That is why some of the strange actions of a love sick person can seem so bizarre. In this state obsessive thoughts can take over, this is the equivalent of the rush of passion that one may feel in a new relationship. This same process happens in the negative sense over the loss of the person.
When love is lost men are three times more likely to commit suicide, whereas females tend to fall into a state of depression. Rejection, as studied in brain imaging tests, reveals that the same circuits in the brain that triggers physical pain also, triggers the same pain over the loss of a loved one. The studies show that the chemical shift from the high activity of active love becomes flat biochemistry of loss and grief. Many times people do not understand that the loss of a marriage or relationship really can feel like a death.
Love can hurt, but it can also be the most wonderful gift, understanding that it is not always a conscious choice that we end up loving can shed some light on the very complicated feeling of human connections. We really do love as humans with our mind, body and our brain chemistry.