Why Forgiveness is Necessary When it Comes to Love

We’ve all heard the saying “forgive and forget,” but how many of us truly know what this means or how to do it? Forgiveness involves engaging with a complex series of emotions – anger, pain, frustration, and fear – which most of us try to avoid.
Unfortunately, we can’t escape these feelings in life, at least not for long. Chances are, you have been hurt in the past, and you have experienced anger, pain, frustration, and fear. All of these emotions have shaped your current perception of the world, along with the decisions you make, your health, your attitude – nearly every aspect of your life.
The real question is – to what extent have you let these negative emotions go?
Forgiveness is not easy. It’s not a benevolent gesture to be bestowed on someone who has wronged you, to free him from guilt. It’s not about him at all. Instead, it’s an active, challenging internal process that is specifically to help you. It is a shedding of those negative emotions that hold you back, that prevent you from feeling peace, happiness, and even love.
Let’s take an example. Do you have an ex who cheated on you or somehow blindsided you? Did you have to give up on your idea of what the relationship was – and the life you thought you’d have together? Now think about how you dealt with the pain. Did you allow yourself to grieve, or did you emotionally attack your ex in anger? Or did you hold the pain inside of you, forcing yourself to internalize your hurt and carry on?
When you hold on to negative emotions like these, they manifest in your psyche. Over time, you don’t trust men (or women), and have sabotaged recent relationships trying to achieve some sort of guarantee that you wouldn’t get hurt again. Or maybe you have numbed yourself, hiding behind a string of casual relationships that never quite satisfy you. Either way, there is a common link here. You have become so wrapped up in the injustice of the past that you can’t live in the present. Perhaps you’ve become depressed and anxious, or you can’t help but look at the world as a frightening place that needs to be controlled, because it will only let you down.
Maybe it’s time to let go of the baggage you are carrying. Maybe it’s time you considered forgiveness.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with justice, or denying your own pain and the other person’s responsibility in hurting you. Rather, it’s a choice to help yourself – to release the emotional prison you’ve constructed that is no longer serving you and is in fact, keeping love out. Forgiveness is ultimately an act of love for yourself – to allow you to feel peace, joy, and love again.
Forgiveness not only helps heal your emotional scars, but physical ones, too. The Mayo Clinic looks at the health implications of letting go of grudges, resentments, and pain, which they say leads to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress, and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• A stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Higher self-esteem

As you forgive and let go, your life will no longer be defined by your pain. Instead, you’ll have greater compassion and understanding towards others. Your perspective changes because you have changed.
If you aren’t ready to forgive your ex, start with more manageable goals, like forgiving the guy who cuts you off on the highway or your neighbor who had the loud party last night. When you are able to forgive and let go of the small things, you’ll be better prepared to let go of what’s really hurting you, like your ex’s betrayal.
Forgiveness is a process, so be kind to yourself along the way. The more you work towards compassion for others, the more prepared you’ll be to allow forgiveness to work its magic in your life.

Make it Easy for Him to Love You

You’ve probably heard that men like a woman who can be easygoing and fun to be with. And that’s entirely true, especially when you’re talking about men who handle a lot of pressure at work. But this doesn’t mean you need to be a pushover. Read on to find out how you can make it easy for him to be with you…without losing what’s important to you.

HOW HUMAN NATURE CAN WORK AGAINST YOU

Everyone wants to have their needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an amazing thing to develop in your life (and that goes for every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what they think and what they want. The root of most communication problems lies in NOT considering the other side.

If you want a man to listen to you and communicate well with you, then you need to honestly and critically consider the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from…all at the same time. Here’s the thing…

PUTTING YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WORKS FOR BOTH OF YOU

When you don’t do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

I see a form of this all the time in business, by the way. Say somebody wants to sell me something. If they immediately lunge in with their agenda, it will likely put me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what they want from me…the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.  It’s very simple…but extremely powerful.

SHIFTING TO TEAM-BASED THINKING

So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with a man. Namely, you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.

Say your boyfriend has a habit of zoning out when he gets home, and you’d like to go out a few nights a week. You can start with an affirming statement like, “I really care about our relationship, and I want us both to be happy.”

When you lead like this, he won’t feel the need to be defensive. You’ll have created a safe space for him to listen. Then you can say: “I understand you’re really tired sometimes and just want to zone out, but I just need to have some nights during the week when we can do something together.” Then you come up with an event you both like rather than focusing on the negative. When you do this, he’ll begin to see you two as a team – and that’s a win-win for both of you.
coutesy:eharmony

How Much Should You Compromise In a Relationship?

 

 

Thoughts to consider when compromising and when to call it quits.

Every relationship needs a fair share of adjusting and compromising by both partners. In this column, I would like to explore some guidelines and boundaries on this tendency to compromise. How much is too much compromise and when/how do you know that it is time to voice your concerns and discuss the issue in hand openly and honestly and at what time you should just end the relationship.
Compromising is an important aspect of every relationship.  It ought not be the same person who is always compromising, now should it be that only one person does all of the compromising. On any given discussion, both parties must be willing to compromise. If not, the one person who does the compromising shall begin to have resentment.  Resentment builds up over time until there is no fixing a relationship. Thus, it is highly important that both people bend when a compromise is needed.
We all have our limits and hopefully boundaries. We all experience heartache when an agreement is made, and then broken.  It doesn’t really matter what the reasoning was behind breaking an agreement, only that the agreement was null and void due to his actions. When this occurs, it is important to discuss what happened and if the agreement requires some adjustments.  It is also important at this time to emphasize that when an agreement is no longer working for either of you that a discussion and modification of the agreement needs to occur. If either party cannot or is not willing to accept the new agreement, or you cannot agree to disagree, then it is time to go separate ways. As long as there is good, clear and frequent communication, stay with the partner.

Breaking Up Hurts So Bad Because Your Body Really DOES Feel Pain

 

 

A broken heart for many people is the same pain sensation of getting physically hurt.

Breaking up is hard to do, is more complicated than one may think.
Our bodies not only get attracted to another human on a mental level but a chemical level as well. When that attachment gets broken our bodies will go through a phase of withdrawal.
Not only does our mind long for that person but the loss of the chemical connection literally sends a message to the brain or the brain sends a message to the body that simulates pain.

 

A broken heart for many people is the same pain sensation of getting physically hurt.
Breaking up or being dumped actually heightens the pheromone of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women. Withdrawal from this is like weaning off of a drug, that is why physical distance from that person is helpful in the breaking up process. The breakup triggers our fear of survival in the amygdala, this part of the brain that engages in worry and critical thinking or judgment. That is why some of the strange actions of a love sick person can seem so bizarre. In this state obsessive thoughts can take over, this is the equivalent of the rush of passion that one may feel in a new relationship. This same process happens in the negative sense over the loss of the person.
When love is lost men are three times more likely to commit suicide, whereas females tend to fall into a state of depression. Rejection, as studied in brain imaging tests, reveals that the same circuits in the brain that triggers physical pain also, triggers the same pain over the loss of a loved one. The studies show that the chemical shift from the high activity of active love becomes flat biochemistry of loss and grief. Many times people do not understand that the loss of a marriage or relationship really can feel like a death.
Love can hurt, but it can also be the most wonderful gift, understanding that it is not always a conscious choice that we end up loving can shed some light on the very complicated feeling of human connections. We really do love as humans with our mind, body and our brain chemistry.

15 Signs You Are in a Dead-End Relationship

Relationships usually begin with high hopes and bright expectations. The key is to not waste precious time hanging onto one that is bringing up more and more question marks. Here are signs that you’re sticking with a dead-end relationship, and it might be time to move on:
1. You have more confusion than clarity. Time should bring important insights into your relationship, so it’s a red flag if you are more confused now than you were weeks or months ago.
2. Initial attraction hasn’t led to a lasting bond. Being attracted to external qualities—a nice smile, a quick wit, a confident demeanor—can hold a couple together for only so long. A romance that flames out quickly might be due to a strong physical attraction with little else to feed it.
3. Your desire for “space” is increasing. Everyone needs individual time—that’s normal and natural. But if “me time” has become much more appealing than “us time,” consider this a clear warning sign.
4. You work hard to improve the relationship, but the other person is not making the same effort. A healthy union needs two people who both carry their weight and invest equally in the partnership.
5. Time has revealed a mismatch in your values and beliefs. Be realistic about whether your respective lives and desires are pointing you in the same direction, or whether impossible compromises lie ahead.
6. You don’t share the same level of motivation and ambition. Whether these include career advancement, further education, or personal development, each partner should have clearly defined objectives and a plan to attain them.
7. You’ve noticed incidents of dishonesty and deception. Lies destroy a crucial component of any relationship: trust. The presence of lies and the absence of trust spell trouble.
8. One person is clingy and dependent. Few relationships are able to survive extreme jealousy, possessiveness, overdependence, or controlling behavior. Such actions and attitudes indicate that one or both people lack a solid emotional foundation.
9. Your partner is unrealistic about what is needed for long-term success. In a healthy relationship, the individuals acknowledge that nobody is perfect and there will surely be problems to address. Every relationship will require hard work and perseverance.
10. It’s become obvious that your career and financial goals are not in sync. Ask yourselves how you envision your standard of living, income, and vocational progress into the future.
11. You have put your own needs and ambitions on hold to concentrate more on your lover’s. This kind of imbalance will eventually leave you feeling resentful. A healthy relationship requires equality, with both individuals feeling valued.
12. More and more you wonder if there’s someone better suited for you. It’s normal to have occasional doubts and questions about the long-term prospects of your partnership, but don’t ignore the warning signs if those thoughts become increasingly frequent.
13. You don’t feel like you can be “completely yourself” with this person. Trying to change or conceal your true self is a big tip that this isn’t a good match.
14. You’re feeling an acute sense of “time urgency.” Regardless of your age, you’ve begun to think that the time you’re spending in this relationship could be better spent exploring other (better) possibilities.
15. As you look ahead, the vision of your future together is fuzzy. You should be able to envision your relationship five, ten, twenty years ahead with joy and clarity.
 Have you felt like this in past relationships?

The 2 Words You Need to Be Saying Much More in Your Relationship

“Thank you.” Two simple words that feel SO good to hear.
So, why do so many couples use them so infrequently? William James, the great American psychologist, said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Appreciation is a gift we give others that costs us nothing! And giving just a little bit of it through effective communication goes further towards improving our relationships more than any over-priced “thing.” We all know this. So why are so many of us stingy when it comes to showing appreciation?
Are we too busy? Too self-important? Too entitled? Or simply too stubborn and emotionally ungenerous?
Sure, you can say “Well, s/he’s supposed to do that.” Right. Possibly. But does that mean people in your life don’t deserve acknowledgment? After all, I’ll bet you’d have something to say about it if those things didn’t get done (or that kindness and affection wasn’t shown to you).
At home, we don’t appreciate—we expect! We say things like, “If you really love me, you would ______.” Where is the appreciation for our loved ones? Do you expect the garbage to go out and the dishes be put away? Why? Because it’s their “job?” Well, in life we get paid for doing a job, so how about paying them with a “thank you?” Everyone craves recognition for their efforts. So, show a little appreciation. It’s a very easy habit to acquire.
Transform your relationship with your teenager.
Ever lived with teenagers? It’s pretty hard to motivate them, right? Or is it? The easiest way to engage a teen is to catch them doing something right. That means recognizing and rewarding the behavior you want to see more of. Saying “thank you” is an easy way to do that.
Tell them what you like about what they’re doing, thinking, and wearing. And skip all the criticism about what you don’t like. Simply look and you’ll find many things each day worthy of acknowledgment. Try it for a month and watch their attitude (and your relationship with them) transform.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Once you make a point to acknowledge the contributions of your family and partner, remember: once is not enough. Each time they take the trash out, bring you your coffee, or extend themselves on your behalf, say those powerful words,”thank you.”
Know what to overlook.
There is another side to showing appreciation. It is as equally important as verbal recognition. Knowing what to compliment is one thing … but knowing what to overlook is also a way of showing love.
Ah! That’s worth thinking about, isn’t it?
William James once said: “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” He was right. When things don’t go according to our expectations, we start pointing fingers. Tempers flare and nitpicking escalates. A wise person takes a step back and looks at the whole picture. They put their needs and wants aside for a moment and make space to see the other person’s wants and needs, as well. They ask themselves: What is happening here? What do we truly want to happen?
Whether at home or at work, this is the time to focus on appreciation and then follow it with conscious problem-solving.
When you feel things getting tense, pause and reflect on a time you felt appreciated. More importantly, ask yourself when was the last time you actually found something to appreciate in another? This helps diffuse the anger, frustration, fear or hurt that you are feeling and allows you to refocus your energy on good communication.
Start with yourself.
Demanding to receive respect or appreciation when the other person is feeling deprived of it will only escalate the conflict. Whoever is most sane at the moment, in any relationship, is the one responsible for bringing that relationship back to positive connection. Let that “sane” person be you.
Appreciation is never wasted.
Find things to acknowledge. Notice what others do well. Catch them doing things right. Notice what others do for you. Offer your thanks. You’ll feel better. And, very soon, it will come back to you. I promise.
coutesy:yourtango

15 Ways to Rescue a Relationship on the Rocks

Every relationship goes through hard times. Many couples learn how to navigate through choppy waters and sail on toward a bright future together. Others, however, hit a rough spot and stay stuck, wondering if they’ve suffered irreparable damage.
For dating couples, this is the time to evaluate if the relationship has run its course and it’s best to part ways . . . or if the relationship has enough potential to do the hard work necessary to overcome difficulties. If you and your partner have encountered problems but want to make repairs, start here:
1. Make sure both of you are committed to the relationship rescue. It takes two fully invested individuals to turn things around.
2. Be the healthiest person you can be. Relationship problems often come because one or both partners struggle with emotional health issues. Attend to your own health even as you encourage your partner to do the same.
3. Clearly identify the issues. In times of adversity, circumstances can become clouded and confusing. Make sure you and your partner articulate the issues as each of you perceive them.
4. Don’t rush to resolution. Healing takes time, and with your future happiness at stake there’s no need to hurry the process.
5. Recognize what’s right. It might seem like everything about your relationship is wrong. It’s very likely there is also plenty right — or you wouldn’t have made it this far.
6. Own what is yours to own. Without personal responsibility on the part of each partner, little progress can be made.
7. State your needs. To improve your relationship, tell your partner precisely what you need from him/her moving forward.
8. Look back only if it helps you look forward. Dwelling on past mistakes and hurts won’t help to foster healing—unless issues need to be explored and discussed to make sure they’re not merely swept under the rug.
9. Express yourself without escalating the situation. You can fully communicate your thoughts and feelings without including threats, accusations, or putdowns.
10. Affirm that you both have the right to feel and think the way you do. No one is wrong simply because he or she has a different point of view.
11. Set aside the need to win. The goal should not be making one person out to be the winner and one the loser. In healthy relationships, both partners feel like winners.
12. Enlist the help of a counselor. Often, a neutral third party—one with training and experience—can provide valuable insights.
13. Talk about trust. In nearly every troubled relationship, trust has been broken. Discuss the ways in which you feel hurt, fully and honestly.
14. Then take steps to rebuild trust. Talk specifically about what each of you needs in order for trust to be re-established.
15. Practice forgiveness. Any rocky relationship is going to need a healthy dose of forgiveness by one or both partners.