2 Proven, Powerful, Cost-Free Ways To Show Your Love

 

It’s not spending money that makes the difference in a great committed relationship. It may not even be spending time. It’s about priority and quality.

These two things can make your relationship stronger. No kidding!

1. Take the time to pay attention to each other each time you meet. 

   Yes, when your partner comes in the room or the house, take the time to go and greet him or her. You may be deeply involved in your work, music, or computer, but really, what’s more important?
   The five minutes it takes to go and re-connect with your partner when you meet before you jump into the joys and struggles of the day are valuable. Hug, kiss, connect! A “Hi!” from another room is not nearly as meaningful as a hug. Taking the time to walk to the door and greet with a hug and kiss makes your partner a priority. That’s as it needs to be!

2. Make eye contact with your partner, especially when he or she is speaking. 

   Simple, right? When you make eye contact, you connect in deeper ways than when you simply hear each other. Even if you find it difficult to hold that eye contact–or, perhaps, you’re from a culture that holds that eye contact for any length of time is intrusive–it is important for that connection.
   If you are bold enough, try this: just sit down together, facing one another. Maybe you have a cup of tea or a glass of wine, or maybe not. Then, without effort or anxiety, just look into each other’s eyes.
   Yes, squelch that tendency to laugh or to be silly and make your partner laugh. This is about experiencing eye contact with someone you love. Allow the feelings you experience to wash over you. You’ll feel the deeper connection if you stay with it.
   So, two simple, free, proven ways to connect more deeply with your partner, and to create the opportunity for your partner to be seen, heard, and acknowledged several times a day.
   Want a third one?  This is the advanced way: never leave each other without saying good-bye while looking at each other. I know that may sound excessive, but try it for a week. Add a hug or a kiss, and see what happens.

Try these three things. It can only promote greater intimacy. And, that’s a good thing, right?

In A Relationship, It’s All About Joining Forces

 

Focused on winning in your relationship? That sets you both up as opposing forces, battling to win.

That’s not what creates great, stable, long-term relationships. You need to become a joint force. You and your partner doing life together. That’s the basis you need to be on.
So many times, clients come in, each with the hope that I’m going to agree that they–and preferably, they alone–are right and their partner is wrong. That is very seldom the case!
It’s the way that they are coming at relationship that is causing all the uproar. Neither partner has learned that forging a relationship means being interested in what your partner is thinking, feeling, needing, and wanting. It means listening, rather than being defensive. It means coming to any conversation with an intent to learn about your partner, rather than with an intent to protect yourself, no matter what! It means avoiding passive aggressive behaviors and recognizing them. Relationship issues come to the forefront when you become opposing forces.
What sets up opposing forces?

• “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
• “My needs are more important than yours.”
• “I’m logical and you’re always talking about feelings.”

The battle is on if you go into a discussion with those mindsets!
No one is happy, and each of you dreads getting into conversations that go that way. Soon, you’re not talking much. And, when you do talk, it’s about superficial things about dates, times, and events. You stay away from sticky subjects, and avoid conflict.
Conflict is natural. You did notice that there are two of you, right? Two different lives. Two different upbringings. Two difference personalities. Two different styles. Building a relationship that works well and lasts requires a lot of working through all those differences. You can’t ignore them. One is not right and the other one wrong.
Good relationship advice will always include:

• learn to listen well, with the intent to learn about your partner
• take time to brainstorm and explore many options for solving problems (HINT: There are more than two…lol)
• acknowledge that “being different” and “being wrong” are not the same
• consciously look for places of agreement within every conversation. You CAN find something.
• remember how you want to feel about yourself and your partner at the end of a difficult conversation, and aim at it

Decide to stick to the relationship issues. Don’t expand the conversation to sweeping negatives about your partner.

In all things, BE HARD ON ISSUES AND SOFT ON YOUR PARTNER!  Become a joint force capable of solving relationship issues, not opposing forces determined to win at all costs!

No Matter What, Keep Your Sense Of Humor!

 

There’s really not much in a relationship that cannot be improved with a light heart and a sense of humor.

Sure, there are big relationship issues that have to be taken seriously–health, finances, loss, infidelity, respect, safety, and abuse in all its forms. And then, there’s all the rest. By comparison to that list, other things can do with a lighter touch.

Laughter is a great reliever of tension and stress. A good laugh can shift your mood, lift your spirit, and give you back a sense of perspective.  And, laughter helps you get closer to your partner, your children, and other people you love who are just as flawed as you and everyone else.
Take special note of the need for laughter if you happen to think that perfection is possible! It isn’t, but that belief can ruin you day, your relationship, and your life. Laugh! Nobody’s perfect. Stuff happens. And, nobody’s dying.
You can create greater intimacy by laughing together. Remembering times you’ve laughed together helps you relive them, and makes your bond closer.  Wonder if this is so? Think of a time you tried something new in bed…and, it didn’t quite work. Did you laugh about it?  I hope so, because embarrassment, shame, or blame would be really sad results. And, so unnecessary.
Laugh about the inability to put together that new crib, or treadmill. Laugh about the complete flop of a new recipe, or the difficulties posed by new software. The tension of frustration will melt. Let yourself off the hook. People make mistakes. It’s only when they repeat them that it may not become a laughing matter.
You know what I’m talking about, and you know that sometimes it’s hard to see the humor in things. That’s often because you’ve got these high expectations of yourself and others. Those high expectations are often also unreasonable. You know you sometimes easily laugh off, or forgive, someone else for doing or saying things that you absolutely refuse to forgive yourself for. You’ll make excuses for that other person. You’ll tell them that they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves, yet you hold yourself to a much more rigid standard.
Purposefully create times to have fun together, too. Create times that will lead to laughter, and lightness, and greater intimacy. That gives you a reservoir to draw from when things get too tense.
Lighten up. The world is not going to stop turning when someone in your house, or your life, makes a mistake. Do what you wish they would do when you screw up: make light of it!
CAUTION: Laugh with your partner, not at your partner. That’s where you have to take care, be thoughtful, and aware of your partner’s feelings. Laughter does NOT make light of a painful remark you’ve just delivered. It often sounds as though you’re making light of hurting your partner’s feelings. You don’t want to be doing that. At least, I certainly hope you don’t.
You can laugh at yourself, though, any time you want. Often, that will lighten the room, and give everyone else permission to laugh, too.
G. K Chesterton wrote that “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.” Just think what you can do for yourself, your partner, and your children if you can take yourself more lightly. You’ll know when it’s time to be serious. And, that’s probably must less often than you think.

Sure, in a relationship, there are times when life is no laughing matter. Life can be painful, difficult, and complicated, and much of the time, it is. The good news is that you have the wonderful opportunity to choose your response to it. That gives you power. You can blame and shame, you can get your knickers in a twist, or you can lighten up, and take it easy on yourself and others. That’s where the real power in life lies.

Go forth and laugh more!

courtesy:
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

3 Things You Should NEVER Do In Your Relationship

Don't let these mistakes change your relationship for the worse.

Does this sound familiar? You’ve been together for a while now and have reached the ‘comfortable’ stage in your relationship.
You sometimes forget to shave your legs. He doesn’t call as often in the day as he should. You’re both in the habit of watching TV during dinner or playing around on Facebook instead of actually talking to each other.
These are all examples of bad habits in relationships that you need to nip in the bud if you want to grow together and become even more intimate. Each relationship is unique with each couple experiencing different bad habits that they need to break.

 

Here are three things you should NEVER do in relationships:
1. Don't make assumptions.
Never assume! Never assume that your partner knows you love him/her and that you don’t need to say it. Never assume that your partner won’t mind if you stay late at work without calling. Whatever the scenario, the point is ‘don’t make assumptions, communicate!’
2. Don't take each other for granted.
Avoid the mindset that just because your partner is in a relationship with you, it's his/her duty to do things to please you. Even though it's crucial that you're kind to each other, don’t forget to thank your partner for what he/she does and to appreciate each other.
3. Don't be disrespectful.
It’s never OK to disrespect your partner. Whether it’s disrespect in front of the kids, in front of others or even in private when it’s just the two of you, it’s not OK. Mutual respect is key to any strong, healthy relationship.

Is Jealously Destroying Your Chance At True Love?

Stop that green-eyed monster named jealousy from surpressing your chance at love!

JEALOUSY! This is a big relationship issue that often does (but doesn't have to) ruin your relationship. Jealousy is the green, fire-breathing monster lying in wait to devour relationships! Is it just waiting for an opportunity to put an end to yours?
Jealousy is within you. It has nothing to do with your partner. No matter what your partner does, you still feel jealous UNLESS you track it down, dissect it, and reduce it to a speck of its former power!
Jealous people are:

• Suspicious
• Accusatory
• Smothering
• Blaming
• Shaming
• Manipulative
• FEARFUL

That last one is really BIG! Jealous people are FEARFUL. They are afraid of being betrayed, making a mistake, not being "in the know," left, lost, abandoned, and wrong. It's all about them. That other poor partner has nothing to do with it at all!

 

(Now, just in case you're about to go off the deep end and yell at me "But, s/he cheated," that is not about jealousy. That is about actual behavior that took place that now needs attention and relationship help.)
Jealousy is something that really happened. It's more a fear that something could happen. It worms its way up from within you, looking suspiciously at your partner over your shoulder at all times. Jealousy is an inside job.
It is your insecurities tying you up in knots and spitting them out at your partner. Again, it has nothing to do with your partner.
Dr. Phil says: "Jealousy is a poorly disguised need for power and control."  Here's some telling relationship questions:

• Do you have a need to know where your partner is at every minute?
• Do you suspect the worst when your partner is out of your sight?
• Do you think that every person your partner meets is out to seduce them?

You've got a problem! And, jealousy will drive your partner away. Even if your partner has never strayed in thought, word, or deed, your suspicious behavior may drive them to do that, too.
If s/he is being accused of cheating all the time, they might take that as you telling them to go ahead. It won't make any difference if they did or didn't! You'll still be jealous. (If your partner uses your suspicious nature as a reason to cheat, you two both need help! But, that's a topic for another day.)
Sometimes people are as jealous of their partners as they were of other children taking away their mother's attention. There's a clue in there. Maybe, you didn't get the attention you wanted before, and now you feel no one could possibly love you enough to be faithful.
Notice, I said you feel that way. Feelings are not facts. You are entitled to your feelings but you must examine them for evidence in reality that they are accurate. Jealous people usually can't find that evidence.
Jealous people are hurting people: they both hurt others, and are hurting themselves. If you are jealous, get some help. Your friends or relatives cannot help you with this. You need to uncover the causes and lay them to rest once and for all. It's not easy and it can happen.
I had a client who started her first session with, "I am so jealous. I know it will ruin my relationship. I cannot stop. Please help." She was really in pain and her partner was threatening to leave for the last time. She was willing to change to keep her jealousy from ruining her relationship. Wise woman.
Are you too jealous to let love in? Are you letting jealousy ruin your relationship? You don't have to. You can get relationship help to find out where that jealousy came from, where it's hiding, and why it sneaks its head out to devour your relationship. It will devour you, too, if you let it.
Don't let jealousy ruin your relationship and your life. Stop it now....
 Courtesy:foryourrelationshiphelp/yourtango

Why Men Are More Distant Than Women In Relationships

 

Ever wonder why you seem to care more than your man does about the relationship?

According to IndianExpress, a new study claims that women immerse themselves in their romantic relationships, while men place their romantic partners on an equal but distant footing. This study shows that generally, women appear to be more invested in their relationships than men and that their happiness and well-being is more dependent upon how things are going in their intimate relationships. Is this a surprise to you? It's not a surprise to me.
After all, who is usually the one who recognizes when things in the relationship aren't working too well? The woman. Who is it that typically seeks professional help with the relationship? The woman. Who is it that mostly spends time on YourTango, reading self-help books and going to seminars about relationships? Women. Why is it this way? (For more information, check out Secrets of Happy Couples.)
Women are biologically wired to be the nurturers. They are the ones with the skills to anticipate the needs of their partners, take care of nurturing the relationship and do the problem solving when things have gone awry. Men are more biologically wired to be the providers and protectors. It's not that the relationship isn't important to them, it's just that they show it in different ways — by working hard, establishing a career and maintaining an emotional distance.

 

You may ask yourself, "How can I change him? How can I make him more involved in this relationship?" I say, you shouldn't — so don't even try. InsideOut Empowerment tells us that we have five basic needs. We all have them; the strength of each is unique to each individual and they appear to be genetically programmed. That's not to say that circumstances, culture, stage of development and other factors don't impact the experience of these needs, but we are wired with a genetically determined profile that stays fairly stable throughout our lives. (To learn about your profile, take this free assessment.)
A relationship destroyer is looking at your partner, deciding he/she is deficient in some way and then attempting to "make" him/her different. It's not that people can't change; they can, it's just that they won't do it just because you want them to change!
The simple fact is: men and women are different. They tend to have different benefits in relationship but they are both interested in intimacy. Young adult women tend to be most focused on their need for connection. This manifests in having children, creating homes and nurturing their intimate relationships. That's not to say women don't have careers. They do, but most prioritize these connecting activities. 

Why 'Complicated Women' Attract The Best Men

 

Think you're 'too complicated' to find a man? Think again. 

A woman is complicated for a very good reason: to separate the horny, needy and desperate guys from the one man who can uniquely love, adore and appreciate her. What men refer to as "Playing Games" is actually unconscious testing on the part of a woman. It's so unconscious she doesn't even realize that she's doing it, but she is.
These tests are opportunities for a guy to begin to demonstrate that he's "The One," the man who is committed and focused on her above all others and will protect her, love her and be faithfully committed to her and only her.
Here's a real life example of what this might actually look like:

 

A couple is out on a movie date. It's late and it's been snowing lightly while the movie was on. They came in different vehicles and parked on opposite sides of the parking lot and now they're planning to head to a restaurant to continue their evening. When they realize they're parked on opposite sides of the lot he offers to walk her to her car.

• She says, "No, it's fine. You're parked on the other side of the lot. I'll meet you at the restaurant in a few minutes."
• What he hears: "I appreciate you being gentlemen enough to offer, but I'm fine," and so he hugs her and heads over to his car.

He just failed the test. Ironically, she might not even realize she'd given him the opportunity to demonstrate if he's the kind of stand-up man she's looking for. A better response could have been, "It's no trouble, and you're wearing heels in this snow. I'm happy to walk with you. I'll get you to your car and then we can swing around and pick mine up. Besides, you're going to need someone to brush the snow off your car while you warm it up."
Not only would he have proven himself to be a gentleman, but they would have had an opportunity to create a little physical deliciousness while they walked arm in arm. The unconscious locks that she has around "Am I going to allow this guy access to my mind, body and soul?" have begun to open!
A woman needs to feel that a man recognizes her need to be adored and protected. Evolved men are capable of this, ones still doing their work aren't. A wise woman waits for the man who aces these tests and passes up the ones who fail their unconsious standards. Until a man is capable of reading these signs and passing the tests he isn't capable of creating a space that makes a woman feel adored and the 'locks' to her body and her heart will remain closed.

A woman who settles for a guy who is fundamentally decent but fails these tests will eventually be disappointed — not because he doesn't have the potential to be a good partner, but because he's not yet fully matured. A woman who maintains high standards is the one who attracts men willing to do the work and figure it out how to make a connection. She's guaranteed to end up with a magnificent man instead of just a needy or horny one.

 

I Love You: 15 Ways Guys Say It Without Saying It

 

The silent ways he's showing you he cares.

Has your guy been fairly silent in the 4-letter-word department, and you're trying to figure out other ways to tell if he loves you? Sometimes, this can be hard; not everybody is vocal or obvious about their feelings, and many may feel it is difficult to voice those deeper emotions whether it's for fear of rejection, commitment or simply never having said "I Love You" before.

Here are some subtle, silent ways to tell if he's thinking it.

1. Passionate, Long-Lasting Kisses
Who doesn't love an excellent, lengthy kiss? When he's continuously initiating these and you can feel the passion each time he does, it is clear that he's more than just a little excited to be around you.
2. His Friends Love You
If all his buddies are starting to warm up to you and truly seem to enjoy your company, it could be because they know how happy you're making their friend — thus making them start to find you as awesome as he does.
3. Close Personal Distance
You know how it's unnerving when somebody you're not interested in gets close to you? It's the complete opposite when someone you adore tends to be closer in distance than he is to other people.
4. Smiling After Kissing
Sure, you can have a little sweet smile after kissing someone whose company you enjoy, but do you ever just feel like positively beaming when it's someone you love? If you catch him grinning after your kisses all the time, it's a great sign that he truly enjoys your company.

5. He Listens Intently
While he might not be saying much when it comes to your relationship and his feelings about it, the fact that he listens closely when you're talking is incredibly significant. He may lean in closer when you're discussing important topics or nod when you say something poignant, showing how much your words mean to him.
6. Upright Posture
Most of us tend to slouch and have poorer posture than we should. However, if you're trying to impress the person you care about most and want him or her to be most attracted to you, you're going to stand or sit straight up.
7. Hand Squeezing
I once had a relationship with a guy who loved holding my hand and would occasionally squeeze it tightly when we were cuddling or out with friends, but hated any other kind of cutesy couple-like act. I always wondered why he was so opposed, but then I realized that every time he squeezed my hand, he was trying to say, "I love you" in a quiet, simple way.
8. Calling (Or Texting) For No Reason
Not all people do this when in love, so don't take it personally if he doesn't. That said, it's a sign that he feels comfortable with you in non-romantic situations as well as the obvious ones, and that he's thinking of you throughout the day. Keep Reading ...
9. He Sticks Around
Does he like to do activities together for no reason? For example, rather than just wanting to meet up at a dinner party, he'd rather go grocery shopping with you beforehand so the two of you can make a dish to bring together. Simply doing household things shows an interest in being closer than just casual daters or sex partners.
10. Eye Contact Often
When you're at a bar with friends, does he glance across the room just to make eye contact briefly and smile at one another? This indicates how, even when you two are doing different things, he still wants you to be aware of how much he cares.
11. Hair Ruffling
When people are nervous, they tend to run their fingers through their hair more often than normal. Does he do this when the pair of you are in close proximity to one another and it’s a romantic moment? If so, it could show that he wants to say something intimate but can't find the words.
12. Mirrored Behavior
Does he tend to take bites of his food at the same time as you or do other things similarly? He could be displaying isopraxism, the matching or behaviors that couples tend to do when becoming closer together.
13. Meaningful Gifts
When I say 'meaningful,' I don't mean 'expensive'; I mean that he spends effort and puts serious thought into finding you something that truly fits your personality to a T. I had one guy give me three pairs of socks: one with a crazy cute pattern, one specifically for boots and one for high heels. The week prior, I had gotten a blister on my foot due to not having thick enough socks for a pair of boots I had just purchased, so it was super sweet and a clear indication of his listening skills that he remembered.
14. Frequent Laughing
Does he find you funny and can't help but giggle when you do something silly? As odd as it sounds, the more often he laughs and finds you hilarious, the more serious the level of interest and excitement surrounding your relationship is.
15. Spontaneous Touching
When you're in a public place, does he put his fingers on your back to keep you closeby? Does he hold your hand atop yours while you two are in a restaurant? Random closeness via touching shows that he wants to maintain physical contact, even when it's not sexual.

Are YOU Trapped In A Love-Hate Relationship? (8 Ways To Tell)

 

The crazy-making in your relationship has officially reached toxic levels.

When you first met him—he seemed confident, charming, and challenging (in an intriguing way). Now, he just seems like a jerk!
Or, perhaps when you first met her—she seemed mysterious, delightfully unpredictable, and she kept you guessing in the most alluring way. Now, she seems like an alien.
Love/hate relationships seem funny, and even romantic ... in the movies. But in real life, they wreak havoc on your health and happiness.

 

Once you're seriously involved with a chronically difficult person, you'll second-guess yourself constantly and question your sanity whenever you try to solve everyday issues with your partner. It's important to know that behavior is a result of their early life situations.
You see, it's not that your partner WON'T play nice; he or she CAN'T. And you can't make them or fix them, either.
Yes, it's frustrating. You bend. You're considerate. You overextend, make excuses, give them space, support them, and give in. You don't expect too much, but nothing changes. It's infuriating, and the happy relationship you hoped for feels miserable and, sometimes, even hopeless.
Even this Mother Goose nursery rhyme captures the problem:
"There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid."

Male or female, the issue is the same—you fall in love with a person when they're being "very, very good" and question your judgment when they start acting horrid. And the longer you're with them, the more "horrid" seems to show up, making you forget the good parts about them entirely.
Knotting yourself up like a pretzel to conform to the twisted expectations of your partner is crazy-making.
You might have been so well-raised that you think, "If only I was more patient, more nurturing, more kind and understanding, then this crazy-making would stop." You look to yourself as the first source of the problem. It's always a good start, but in this case it's time to stop that.
You need to look squarely at these eight traits and see how many your partner has. Then, you'll know why you may need more information and stronger skills to manage your relationship in healthy ways.
8 traits of chronically difficult people:
1. They make you question if you can trust them. You tell yourself that you're safe with them, but all too often you find there are cracks in the foundation, and misplace your trust. They go so far that you feel like a bad person for not trusting them, even though you know you cannot.
2. Communication with them is vague. Nothing ever seems permanently pinned down. Everything is in flux. Decisions you think you made together get changed, negated, or twisted. That leaves you twisting in the wind.
3. They have no real interest in stopping the conflicts. In fact, they seem bound and determined to keep them going ... and you're right—these people thrive on conflict and want to keep things in a state of constant chaos.
4. They won't let you get close to them emotionally. As soon as you get too close (by their definition), they do something to break the connection. Yet, strangely, they tell you that you are the one who is emotionally distant. People with these traits fear closeness, all the while claiming that they don't get enough of it. Crazy-making!
5. They blame you for everything. It's always your fault. It's NEVER their fault. If, by chance, you're not the one blamed, then it's the weather, the family, the office, the government, or God. For that reason, you often finally give up trying to solve problems, and too often, you give in. Attempts at being rational with them are exhausting. You can't be right because they cannot be wrong!
6. They act on feelings, not facts. Their response to any situation is how they feel about it, not focusing on what actually happened. Because they feel it, it makes it so, and what you think has no bearing on the matter.
They also make assumptions and presumptions about your ideas, feelings, motives, and needs. They won't ask you directly. They honestly believe—and need to believe—that they know you better than and more in-depth than you know yourself. They have to do this because they are always right and you are always wrong. Right? For the high-conflict partner, the feelings ARE the facts.
7. They refuse—and are likely incapable of—self-reflection. When you are so busy making assumptions about your partner, and knowing that your partner is always wrong, why bother with introspection? Also, self-reflection is for courageous people who are not afraid of life. People with the traits described here find the very idea of looking inward completely terrifying.
8. They operate from fear at all times. That is why every disagreement is a possible war. They fear any conversation they cannot control. That's why nothing is ever their fault; they're petrified that the opposite is a possibility.
If these traits set off alarm bells for you, don't panic. When your partner has these traits, you will either argue a whole lot, or one of you will shut down, withhold, and dish out the silent treatment. Neither strategy will work.
If you love your partner and you want the relationship to work, you'll need some expert help to shift your thinking, move away from blame, and establish some new patterns of interaction. Unfortunately, you'll need to change first. Only then will you know what's possible for the relationship.
Partners with these traits are living in fear and fighting for their lives. These very real fears play out in repeated patterns, and even an argument about where to have dinner is a must-win situation for them. They developed these traits because early in their lives they needed them as survival and defense mechanisms. That's why they CAN'T play nicely, not just that they won't.
If you are in a committed relationship with a chronically difficult person who has many of the traits above, don't despair. I've helped many clients move from pain to possibility, even though their partners did not do much changing. Do the work; you'll be better for it and you'll understand the relationship dynamics in new ways.
Crazy-making behaviors may still persist, but you can put an end to second-guessing yourself and questioning your sanity.
Underneath, he still is confident and charming; she still is mysterious and delightful, but you need help. You cannot solve this on your own. Divorce is not the only answer. Get the right information and insights by getting relationship help right away. Don't wait.
P.S. If these traits apply to someone you're dating, take a step back now and re-assess. You need to get help sooner rather than later (and definitely avoid any commitments to this person until you do).
Credit:Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor

6 Fixes For A Better Relationship AND A Happier You!

      

             6 easy ways to eliminate bad relationship habits for good!

You know you have some unhealthy relationship patterns that you want to fix in yourself, like trust issues, communication issues, or assertiveness issues. Yet you can't seem to make the changes. It's really frustrating! You WANT to be different. Maybe you just don’t know HOW.
You try to stay conscientious and conscious of your reactions and responses, your thoughts around circumstances, and yet, you're still stuck in the same old patterns that are unhealthy and NOT making your relationship better.
The real question is: how do you take the information and insights you have about yourself and about life and turn them into knowledge and wisdom that you demonstrate?
It's such an important insight and question to consider when you want to create the life you most want.
There is a big difference between talking about something and doing it. There's a big difference between information and knowledge.  We can have all the information in the world but it doesn't turn into knowledge until it makes its way through us, and shows up in our changed behaviors.

 

The first and most important thing to consider is your true level of willingness, the really deep down level of willingness, not the "oh, but of course" affirmative answer. Why that's important is that you can often quiet down the "you should be better" tape by skipping over it with words.
Words are not what we need to believe. Actions are.  What you are doing tells the truth about you. It's not what you say.
Ouch! We tell ourselves such good stories about our good intentions! It's good to know the good story. It's another thing to live the good story.
So, here are some steps to taking the journey to who you most want to be in relationship to yourself and your partner, Of course, it will help with your family, your colleagues and the world, too. It is a tall order in a short space but here's what I suggest as a starting place:

1. Treat yourself kindly.
   Are you your own best friend?  Do you do for yourself what you would do for others?  Do you rest when you’re tired? Do you eat well? Or, do you beat yourself up because you’re not where you want to be?  Fill in the blanks about ways in which you currently maybe do not treat yourself kindly. Then, write a list of their opposites and apply them to your life.
    
2. Stop the judgments and communicate kindly with yourself. 
   It’s likely that you are very harsh in your judgments of yourself. Stop! Just describe the actual facts, behavior you want to change, or attitude that needs shifting WITHOUT the “slob” words and harsh parental generalizations. Talk to yourself the way you talk with others. That’s a good start. Learn more in my book, Kaizen For Couples, too.
    
3. Know what you value. 
   If something is important to you, you must demonstrate its importance in daily life by your actions.  All the talk in the world is nothing if you don’t start making small steps towards the change you want to be and see.
    
4. Know what you believe.
   Knowing what you believe and saying what you believe are different, as I mentioned above. What does your belief look like in action, in your relationships with yourself and others?
    
5. Remember, you are in charge of your mind and your mouth.
   All the gnashing of teeth about how we know better is a waste of time and air space. As Maya Angelou says, “If you know better, you do better.”  From that I think we can extrapolate that we beat ourselves up with the language of “knowing better.”There is a strange phenomenon that I observe, and you can look in the mirror and see if you see it, too: a person says they know how they want to be and, because they can give it a voice (a great first step), they let the words give them permission not to change. 
   Here’s an example: “Oh, I’m really judgmental, aren’t I?” Now the person thinks that by giving their behavior a name, they have shown their awareness.  If the next words out of their mouth are “Sometimes I just can’t help it, especially when I see someone dressed like that”  you know that the person is just giving lip service to justify their behavior.  This is WAY TOO COMMON!!!
    
6. Check in with yourself frequently.
   The only way to make honest changes in your attitudes, relationships and actions is to monitor yourself frequently. Begin the day with some reflection on who you want to be today, who you honestly want to be living in alignment with your values, vision, beliefs and purpose. Mentally rehearse being that person and feel how that is.  At the end of the day, reflect on your day and note your progress and places you would like to improve. Mentally rehearse that. 

Remember, you did not become who you are overnight. But, you’ll still be that person tomorrow if you don’t become self-reflective each day, and let it impact becoming who you most want to be!

6 Tips To Help You Manage Your Anger ... Before It Manages YOU

 

Stop letting anger control you. Reclaim your life and start feeling better about yourself.

"I don't like who I am after I let my anger fly!" That's what folks coming to me for anger management counseling and classes say.
They're disappointed, embarrassed, humiliated, and/or having to mop up a big spill of emotions that didn't need to happen. You might say, "Yes, it did! I just couldn't stand that for another minute." You know that's not true. You could have waited until you calmed down before opening your mouth. You are making a choice to speak out.
Did you notice that, often, the thing you were angry about didn't change as a result of your letting it fly? So, now there is still that issue, plus mopping up after the outburst. The relationship is doubly torched now.

 

If this sounds about right to you, then here are a few tips to manage anger and put in place:

1. Know the signs. Notice as early as possible that you are beginning to feel upset, irritated, or annoyed. Small things begin to happen in your body.
2. Focus on yourself once you notice, and not on the person, behavior, or situation that is bothering you. What's going on within you right now?
3. Use your breath to keep the focus on yourself. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly a few times to relax your body and keep yourself from going into anger arousal.
4. Ask yourself, "Where do I want to be with this relationship ten minutes from now?" and behave accordingly.
5. Keep your mouth closed, and go away from the situation to regroup. This is the tough thing to do for many folks. They just want to get their anger out. Unfortunately, it spills and spews in hurtful, unhelpful ways and nothing good comes from it.
6. Wait. Wise people wait until the anger in their bodies has fully subsided before they try to discuss what is bothering them with anyone. They know they cannot communicate effectively with a head of steam up.

You may think you know these steps to manage anger, but the trick is practicing them. If you don't manage your anger, your anger will manage you. You are hurting yourself.
Trying to get rid of your upset, irritation, or frustration by yelling, swearing, discounting, belittling, and/or demanding leaves you alone with your regrets. There are better ways.
Credit: Rhoberta Shaler, PhD The Relationship Help Doctor

The 2 Words You Need to Be Saying Much More in Your Relationship

“Thank you.” Two simple words that feel SO good to hear.
So, why do so many couples use them so infrequently? William James, the great American psychologist, said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Appreciation is a gift we give others that costs us nothing! And giving just a little bit of it through effective communication goes further towards improving our relationships more than any over-priced “thing.” We all know this. So why are so many of us stingy when it comes to showing appreciation?
Are we too busy? Too self-important? Too entitled? Or simply too stubborn and emotionally ungenerous?
Sure, you can say “Well, s/he’s supposed to do that.” Right. Possibly. But does that mean people in your life don’t deserve acknowledgment? After all, I’ll bet you’d have something to say about it if those things didn’t get done (or that kindness and affection wasn’t shown to you).
At home, we don’t appreciate—we expect! We say things like, “If you really love me, you would ______.” Where is the appreciation for our loved ones? Do you expect the garbage to go out and the dishes be put away? Why? Because it’s their “job?” Well, in life we get paid for doing a job, so how about paying them with a “thank you?” Everyone craves recognition for their efforts. So, show a little appreciation. It’s a very easy habit to acquire.
Transform your relationship with your teenager.
Ever lived with teenagers? It’s pretty hard to motivate them, right? Or is it? The easiest way to engage a teen is to catch them doing something right. That means recognizing and rewarding the behavior you want to see more of. Saying “thank you” is an easy way to do that.
Tell them what you like about what they’re doing, thinking, and wearing. And skip all the criticism about what you don’t like. Simply look and you’ll find many things each day worthy of acknowledgment. Try it for a month and watch their attitude (and your relationship with them) transform.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Once you make a point to acknowledge the contributions of your family and partner, remember: once is not enough. Each time they take the trash out, bring you your coffee, or extend themselves on your behalf, say those powerful words,”thank you.”
Know what to overlook.
There is another side to showing appreciation. It is as equally important as verbal recognition. Knowing what to compliment is one thing … but knowing what to overlook is also a way of showing love.
Ah! That’s worth thinking about, isn’t it?
William James once said: “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” He was right. When things don’t go according to our expectations, we start pointing fingers. Tempers flare and nitpicking escalates. A wise person takes a step back and looks at the whole picture. They put their needs and wants aside for a moment and make space to see the other person’s wants and needs, as well. They ask themselves: What is happening here? What do we truly want to happen?
Whether at home or at work, this is the time to focus on appreciation and then follow it with conscious problem-solving.
When you feel things getting tense, pause and reflect on a time you felt appreciated. More importantly, ask yourself when was the last time you actually found something to appreciate in another? This helps diffuse the anger, frustration, fear or hurt that you are feeling and allows you to refocus your energy on good communication.
Start with yourself.
Demanding to receive respect or appreciation when the other person is feeling deprived of it will only escalate the conflict. Whoever is most sane at the moment, in any relationship, is the one responsible for bringing that relationship back to positive connection. Let that “sane” person be you.
Appreciation is never wasted.
Find things to acknowledge. Notice what others do well. Catch them doing things right. Notice what others do for you. Offer your thanks. You’ll feel better. And, very soon, it will come back to you. I promise.

The Death of a Child and the Strength of a Marriage

On the first Friday of the new millennium, the phone rang just as we were leaving for dinner.  Since our three kids were grown and gone, this was the new normal:  work hard all week, then dinner on Friday night to get back in touch. “I’ll get that,” Becky said, and picked up the phone in the den.  It was Mark Schneider, who had been sworn in that morning as the Clinton administration’s new Director of the Peace Corps. “Mrs. Thyne, is Mr. Thyne home?”  Becky said later that evening that as soon as Mark identified himself she knew it was about Jesse, our twenty-four year old son who was a Peace Corps volunteer in Guinea, West Africa; and she knew the news would not be good. I picked up the cordless phone in the bedroom and walked toward the den. “We’re both here, Mr. Schneider.”
Mark told us that Jesse had been killed that afternoon in a collision between the bush-taxi he was riding in and a stake-bed truck full of farm laborers heading home at the end of the day. In those few minutes, our “new normal” exploded in the horror of death and the destruction of what we assumed, until that moment, was our future.
Becky and I got back to work in a week or two.  She is a lawyer and I’m a psychotherapist, so we threw ourselves into routines that brought us comfort and stability simply by their familiarity. My practice soon included a new dimension: friends and professional colleagues began referring to me families who lost children to sudden death or to the long agony of some childhood illness. So I’ve spent over a decade dealing with the impact of death on our marriage and helping other couples navigate the terror and destruction when their child dies. I’ve learned a great deal in these difficult conversations, and I want to share with you three crucial factors that will help define the future of your marriage should you face the loss of a child.
First, whatever strengths and weaknesses are in your relationship, the death of your child will expose them.  If your marriage is in pretty good shape – if you communicate well, if you have broad-based compatibility with one another, if each of you is emotionally healthy – these essential strengths will emerge and give you solid ground to stand on as you deal, first, with the shock of the moment of death, then with those awful weeks when you try to get your balance back, and finally with the long process of recovery as you learn to metabolize your loss into its permanent place in your marriage. If your marriage is not in very good shape, these seams will be exposed and pressed upon by your child’s death. If you’ve neglected the honest conversation that is the core of every successful marriage, if your years together have laid bare painful incompatibilities in your marriage, if either of you has neglected your emotional health, then your child’s death will threaten to break you apart.
Becky and I had been married for nearly forty years when Jesse died. We’d already made our way through two earlier crises – the loss of my career as a minister in 1981 because of inappropriate extra-marital relationships, and a long separation through the 1990s during which each of us faced up to our personal unfinished business. Miraculously, after seven and a half years apart, we found our way back to one another. We knew ourselves well by then, and stitched together a marriage with deep personal integrity and constant, honest conversation. When Jesse’s death crashed in on us, our marriage held; the work we’d done individually and as a couple had made us strong enough, resilient enough to find our way to yet another “new normal.”
Make no mistake: the death of a child will expose and test the strengths and weaknesses in your marriage.
Second, your marriage is more likely to survive the death of your child if you have a purpose in life that continues even after the tragedy. If your purpose in life is wrapped up exclusively in your relationship with your child, her death may well crush you.
Each of us still had work that challenged and rewarded us. Becky plunged back into her law practice and took on a new project: helping families with aging, ailing parents or disabled children find solid financial and social footing. I added to my practice that special attention to families whose children die or who face the tragic death of a spouse or sibling. And I wrote a book. Three years after he died, I began jotting notes for poems about Jesse. Over a decade, these notes became a memoir, THE AWFUL GRACE OF GOD:  Faith, Death, and the Survival of Hope.  It was a way to give shape to my grief and permanently inscribe our memories of our son.
We still had Shannon and Brendan, who were eight and six years older than Jesse. We hurled ourselves toward one another when we first heard the news, staggered together through the planning of a service – a complicated task since our children no longer believe or worship as we do – and talked every day for months. Three or four years after Jesse died, Shannon married Chris, and they now have two boys, Jesse and Joe, who are nine and seven. Brendan and Diana have been together for nearly a decade and are parents of the amazing Iris, our nearly-three-year-old granddaughter. Jesse’s death has driven us deep into one another’s lives, and our family now gives us a sense of purpose every day.
When Jesse died, both Becky and I were still firmly rooted in the Christian faith we grew up in. We were, and still are, active and grateful members of All Saints Episcopal Church in Pasadena, a thriving, socially active parish we share with many of our friends. But what has happened between us and God in the years since Jesse died is a more complicated story. It has been difficult for both of us to trust God’s love for us when Jesse’s death seems so capricious. Becky still sings in the choir and thrives in committee work (Yikes!), but can barely voice anything like a creed or a profession of faith. I have shifted my devotion from some kind of heavenly Father to the stories by and about Jesus of Nazareth, this charismatic Jewish rabbi whose intellect, compassion, and courage model for me what it means to be human. He grounds me in a way God no longer does. Now each of us leans forward and finds our sacred purpose in language and practices we could not have anticipated before Jesse’s death.
So the death of a child will expose the strengths and weaknesses of your marriage and challenge whatever gives your life purpose.
Third, we could not have made it without our community of friends and extended family, and if you lose a child I don’t think you will either.  Jesse died on a Friday night. By late morning on Saturday our home was crowded with my sisters and their families, members of our church community, and friends whose love and loyalty were much deeper than we knew. Sam was on the fourteenth green on Saturday morning waiting to putt when his wife Sharon called. He walked off the green, drove straight to our home and was there every day and evening for ten days. He’s still in our lives, as loyal as a sunrise. Mimi and Phyllis, Becky’s friends from church, took over the kitchen, monitored the phone, ran to the market – whatever needed doing. I had learned early in my life as a minister what I now came to know at a cellular level: it’s after about six weeks, when the memorial service is long over, when the extended family is back in its routine, when something new has grabbed the community’s attention – it’s then that we most need our friends. We were grateful every day that Sam, Mimi, Phyllis and a dozen others kept showing up, as did Shannon and Brendan’s beloveds. As much as the four of us needed one another, we also needed our closest friends to find a way to breathe again, to believe once again that life could make sense, to dare to be happy again once the worst of the pain subsided.
We know we will never be the same since that January night in 2000 when Mark Schneider phoned us. As full and happy as we are now, we can still touch the empty space where Jesse used to live in us, still remember the laugh we’ll never hear again, still wonder whom he might have married and what their children would be like. But we’ve made our way from that tragic night to these years of steady love, meaningful work, and a community of family and friends who sustain us.
And you will too, if you nurture the strengths and diminish the weaknesses in your marriage, find purpose in life beyond the deep meaning you get from each child, and nurture friendships that are so faithful that when you’re driven into the abyss, your friends will be there with you.
Credit:Patrick Thyne

When Did the Wedding Become More Important than the Marriage?

Matched Dior gowns. Orchid covered archways. Spectacular mountain settings. Magicians. Balloon releases. Fireworks. Photo booths. Wii games. Free all-night bar. Casino games. Lobster bakes, island bike rides, “event” stations where you scan a QR code to receive a secret surprise, go cart centers, yard games, massages, a multi day party on a remote Asian island.
What do they have in common? These are all wedding ideas being sold by wedding planners who will charge up to $30,000 for “a truly unforgettable $250,000 wedding.” Brides are told to make it a party they will never forget. In a period where 50% of all marriages fail, it’s remarkable how so much money and time and worry are spent on the wedding, but not a thought is given to the marriage itself. And after the last piece of cake is eaten, the last toast given, the last people leave, the deliriously happy couple – having experienced the wedding of their dreams – are now faced with making their marriage work. You would think weddings that cost $250,000 to $1,000,000 certainly would result in a fantastic marriage. But people don’t think about the marriage of their dreams, only the wedding of their dreams.
The fact is, a simple wedding can result in a deliriously happy marriage. But a deliriously happy marriage isn’t the goal anymore. Only the most spectacular wedding is. Then two, five, ten years later when every day is an argument, the kids are falling apart, and divorce lawyers are on speed dial, everyone wonders when it all went so wrong.
I’ll tell you when: the wedding.
The bride, her mother, and maybe the groom spend hundreds of hours picking out wedding consultants, choosing the location, selecting the stationary, ordering the flowers, the music, the caterer, the menu, the wine, the cakes, gift bags, and great, great care is given to “how to make this wedding unforgettable.” The problem of course is this time is not spent in spiritual pre-marriage counseling, in praying to God to bless the marriage, in quiet times learning how your partner feels about money, kids, in-laws, sex, God, spirituality. There is precious little discussion about morals and values. This marriage, according to the Chicago Tribune, is doomed.
But the wedding was mind-blowing.
The Tribune reported on a finding by Emory University that looked at 3,100 married couples. They found that couples who spent less money on a wedding tend to stay married longer than those who opt for expensive weddings. And couples who spent less than $1,000 on their wedding ceremony were least likely to get divorced.
So how to avoid being one of those couples whose best day in their marriage was their wedding?
1. Invite God/Spirituality into the relationship early. Some couples find this way too intimate. Sex is ok, prayer isn’t. Don’t fall into this trap.
2. Pledge that every hour you work on the wedding, you’ll spend two hours working on your relationship. This involves getting to know each other and talking about your future.
3. Start going to church now. Find one with other young couples.
4. Take a pre-marriage counseling course at your church.
5. Talk realistically about money. Are you on the same page financially? Does one person believe in charge cards while the other abhors them?
6. Make sure you agree on children. Not just having them, but also about how to raise them.
7. Talk honestly about what you love about each other, and what drives you up a wall.
8. Learn to stop criticizing your partner.
9. Talk about how you will handle the difficult days that are bound to occur. Establish rules for arguments.
10. Finally, realize your wedding is the first day of a precious journey, one that should be treated as sacred. Or else you’ll remember it as the first day of a long mistake.
I’m not in the business of criticizing anyone for an expensive, grand, out of this world wedding. I just want to remind couples there’s more to your marriage than your wedding. There’s the rest of your life.
Credit:Harry H. Harrison Jr

5 Communication Essentials for Your Relationship

To create a healthy, lasting relationship, two people often do a delicate dance to find the balance between independence and partnership, self and other and the need for commitment vs. freedom. Choreographing this dance successfully is all about figuring out how to commit to another while staying true to yourself. If you turn yourself into a pretzel to fit what you think the other person wants or needs—even if they like you (temporarily)—there’s a small problem: the person they like isn’t really you!
Here are five communication guidelines to help you avoid common missteps in any romantic relationship. While it may seem easier to focus on someone else, any strong relationship must begin with you knowing what’s most important to you.
Rule 1: Determine what you value. Knowing what’s motivating you before you engage in a conversation is as important as knowing what type of dance you want to do before stepping on the dance floor.
If you aren’t sure, bring to mind someone’s relationship you admire. Then, name three qualities you like about how they show up within that relationship. The characteristics you just named may seem to be about the other person—and they are. But the reason you admire those qualities is because they reflect what you hold dear. These are actually some of your highest values.
Rule 2: Choose your internal state of being. Set the stage by choosing an attitude that honors your values. For example, you get to choose whether you come to a conversation with honesty, clarity, and openness or with anger, blame, and resentment. What are the qualities that will help create the outcome you hope for? Are you going to show up with courage and self-trust? Do you want to be open and flexible?
Let’s say I want to improve my relationship with my partner, but I realize I’ve been showing up with defensiveness and impatience. I will need to take ownership for my behavior in our conversations. Suppose, instead of defensiveness, I choose curiosity and love. My body language, tone, and words of love and curiosity will send a message very different from the ones that come from defensiveness.
Base your attitude or internal state of being on your highest values to move smoothly through the communication dance and be proud of how you did it.
Rule 3: Shift to an “and” mind-set. This means changing your thinking to expanding thoughts rather than limiting ones. Rather than using the words but or or, try using and. Here’s what I mean:

Instead of saying:	Shift to saying:
“We can do this or that.”	“We can do this and that.”
“We can do this but not that.”	“How can we do this and that?”

Rule 4: Ask for anything you want. It requires courage to ask for what you want. If you decide not to say anything, unspoken expectations often lead to awkwardness, tension, and blame. This creates distance in your relationship. You might fear that your partner might say no or reject you, so you don’t say anything. But silence only ensures that you don’t get what you’re seeking. So if you find yourself repeatedly disappointed (which is often the emotion that accompanies unmet desires), ask yourself whether you have communicated what you want.
Then it’s essential that you communicate your desires (out loud) in a romantic relationship. You know how this plays out: You hope your significant other has mental telepathy—especially when it comes to celebrations, gifts, and surprises. For some reason, it’s easy to think that telling your partner what you want (e.g., “I like pink roses better than yellow ones”) makes a gift not as special. My first question when I hear this complaint is “Have you asked for what you want?” Several of my clients have responded by saying, “Well, he definitely overheard me talking about it on the phone with my sister. I gave a huge hint when we passed the flower shop—because I said how awesome the flowers smelled.”
I just smile and say, “I mean out loud, directly to your partner.”
“Out loud? Directly? What a crazy thought. Are you serious? That takes all the fun out of it, and then it doesn’t count anymore.”
I’ve got news for you: it still counts. The reason is that if you speak up, your partner gets the opportunity to make you happy, and you’ll have a better chance of getting what you want. So I say, throw your partner a bone!
Of course, just because you ask for something doesn’t mean someone else has to give it to you. What then? You may feel disappointed; that’s the risk of being open and honest. The bigger risk is withholding what you really want and hoping your significant other figures it out on his or her own. If you express your desires, you’ll know you’ve been clear and have shown up in a way that lines up with what you value.
Rule 5: Your significant other can ask for anything he or she wants. It doesn’t mean you have to give it to them. Say your partner asks for something and your first reaction is: That request is outrageous. How dare he ask for that? Watch out. Don’t rush to say yes or no right away. When you have a strong reaction to a request, it’s not because your significant other shouldn’t have asked; it’s because you felt uncomfortable or torn about your response.
Are you hesitating to speak what is true for you? Instead of saying yes when you mean no or stuffing your emotions, shift your focus onto your partner so you can listen deeply for the motivation and values driving his or her request. Just be present in the moment. If you need to, ask for time to think through how the request would impact you. This way, whether you agree or politely decline, you have created an opportunity to connect with your partner.
Ta-da! Time for a bow. You can’t hear me, but I’m applauding.

The Intimacy Bait and Switch: Don’t Get Caught with an Intimacy Gap!

“I have a wonderful boyfriend,” wrote Anne. “He is an angel except one thing. He doesn’t talk about how he feels, he doesn’t say I love you, and on December 3rd, it will be a year. He is good to me and gentle with me but he’s never given me any kind of keepsake, not even a card on my birthday…I would rather die than hurt him and to break up would break my heart too as I am certainly in love with him BUT I know this is a deal-breaker for me. And THAT is what is killing me.”
I don’t know Anne or her boyfriend except through letters. But I know this: They have an intimacy gap.
Intimacy is sharing everything about yourself without fearing you’ll lose your identity. Obviously, this implies that you need to know who you are, so you have something to share. It also implies a gradual process. It would be foolish to share everything about ourselves with random people right away; it would be downright unsafe with some of them.
Yet there are people who are too afraid or independent to gradually unfold into a safe, loving bond. Since we’re all human, and almost all humans need some degree of emotional and sexual connection, these folks tend to ramp up the appearance of intimacy right away—but then fail on the follow-through.
The intimacy bait & switch looks like this:
You start dating, and the other person is excited about you. You get excited about them too. You each share a lot of details about yourselves very quickly, including getting sexual very soon in the relationship. They then clam up, or suddenly want to see you less, or want to be intimate but not share anything emotional. They might begin calling you names like “needy” or “controlling” or “selfish.” Their emotional bar is low, and their needs are quickly over-met.  So when you need more than they counted on, you become the bad person.
You didn’t switch desires and expectations; they did. They lured you in with an offer of intimacy. And then — once you got hooked — they didn’t deliver.
This hurts as much or more than what fish must feel. Intimacy is offered, but as soon as you’re reeled in, it’s pulled away. Worse, you’re often questioned for being unreasonable in your desire for closeness. Going through this doesn’t just make you feel like you want too much; it makes you think this is the best you can get. It’s deeply dispiriting.
What to do:
When you’re in this scenario, the gap between partners’ needs is a constant source of anxiety and unhappiness for the one who wants more. If you need and want intimacy — the real thing, not the surface substitute — don’t sign up for a partner who will never match you.
Wait…never?
Never.
If you fear relationships, yet you’d like to learn to relax into an intimate bond, you can use proven therapeutic techniques to gradually change yourself. But you cannot intentionally change someone else’s intimacy needs, nor force someone to want intimacy they aren’t after. When we’re starting relationships, it’s important to sign on for the very best bond we can find—not one requiring intensive therapy even while we’re dating! I have never yet seen anyone voluntarily change who does not value or want real intimacy. They probably could; but in my observation, they don’t choose to.
What if you’re the one who needs less, though? In that case, the other person’s needs will likely grow to feel like enormous burdens, demands, and pressures.  If you’re hoping they will eventually want and need at your same level…they won’t.
Upshot? Be honest about the bond you require, and hold out for a match on that level. And to paraphrase Maya Angelou, when a partner shows you who they are, believe them.
So I can’t advise waiting on change from someone who isn’t even trying—or someone who prefers the false intimacy bait-and-switch to the real thing. People can change in a relationship, but again, the person they can change is themselves. Anne’s got a deal-breaker, and I hope she will break the deal and hold out for the genuine, close bond she needs.
Is intimacy too much to ask for? No. It is a major reason people have relationships. And intimacy needs that are like your own should be one of your standards, too.
Credit:Duana C. Welch, Ph.D.,

Misuse of Power and Control in Relationships

 

Some relationships involve behaviour that is damaging to the other partner and, in some cases, may be criminal.

Healthy relationships should be based on equality and respect between partners.

When one partner uses tactics to control the other partner, it can be harmful to both parties. This control or power imbalance can take many forms, including intimidation, threats, 'stalking' behaviour, and physical abuse.
This usually results in one partner being frightened of another, leaving them feeling unsafe in the relationship.

What sort of behaviours can be called domestic or family violence?

Examples of  behaviours that constitute family violence include:

• Physical assault – punching, kicking, slapping, choking or using weapons against the victim. All threats of physical violence should be taken seriously.
• Sexual assault - any non-consenting (not fully agreed to by both partners) sexual act or behaviour; any unwanted or disrespectful sexual touch, rape (with or without threats of other violence), forced compliance in sexual acts, indecent assaults; and forced viewing of pornography.
• Using coercion and threats- telling the person she/he, the children, pets or property will be hurt or damaged.
• Using intimidation - making a person afraid by using looks, actions or gestures.
• Psychological/emotional/verbal abuse - using words and other strategies to insult, threaten, degrade, abuse or denigrate the victim.
• Using children, for example, by making the other parent feel guilty about the children; threatening to take the children away, or to report the partner to Child Protection authorities.
• Using visitation, following separation,  to harass the partner, using the children to relay messages.
• Using isolation - controlling what the partner does, who the partner sees and talks to, what she or he reads and where they go.
• Economic abuse - controlling and withholding access to family resources such as money and property.

Violence and Abuse in Relationships

Physical violence in intimate and family relationships is a serious criminal offence and is never acceptable as a response to conflict or provocation.

Once physical violence occurs in a relationship, it can easily become a pattern.  It often becomes more frequent, and usually becomes more serious the longer the relationship continues.  It can ultimately lead to serious injury, or even death.  Violence in an intimate or family relationship is a sign that the relationship is in crisis. It should be taken seriously and assistance should be sought.
If you feel unsafe or in danger, contact a domestic violence support service or the police.

Any form of violence and abuse in a relationship is a serious statement that things are not all right.

• Do you ever have trouble keeping your cool?
• Do you ever lash out verbally or physically?
• Do you ever use violence or abuse towards people you love?
• Are you a victim of violence or abuse?
• Can you recognise and admit there is a problem?
• Do you want to change?
• Do you want to have a safe non-violent healthy relationship?

If you said 'yes' to any of the above, getting relationship support about violence or abuse behaviour is important.

 

 

How The Counsellor could help you

Learn how to handle conflict more effectively and support you if violence is being used in your relationship

Everyone who is in a relationship or cares about their relationships may need assistance at some time to:

• help them deal with problems or difficulties in a relationship
• learn how to improve the relationship
• cope with a relationship that has broken down
• help to change a relationship where there is violence and abuse.

If you are having difficulty in resolving conflicts, and especially if there is violence involved, you can seek the professional assistance of a counsellor. Couples who are able to communicate effectively are more likely to be able to handle conflict constructively. A first step, therefore, might be to attend a course or workshop on communication skills in marriage or a relationship course for couples or parents.
Counselling Services
Relationships Skills Courses
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Family Violence Prevention Services
Individual, couple and family counselling, and support.
Groups for people who have committed violence or abuse.
Groups for people who have been violated or abused.

If you feel you are in danger call the police or a domestic violence support service in your state or territory.
 

Managing Differences and Conflict

 

 

Differences of opinion are normal and can be enriching for a relationship. Some conflict in relationships is inevitable, but there are ways to handle conflict so that it is not destructive to you individually or as a couple.

People often get emotional and angry when they see their partner has different values, beliefs or expectations from them. We all need to understand and accept that between any two people there will be differences in ideas and expectations and, at times, conflict and strong expression of feelings.
Relationships usually become stronger if partners talk about these differences. Differences will be part of relationships, but they may be resolved through respectful communication.
All couples experience problems in one form or another - it's part of sharing your life with another person. The difference between relationships that flourish and those that don't is how well couples deal with the challenges and problems they face in their life together.

What does conflict in a relationship indicate?

Frequent conflict, most commonly expressed as anger, can indicate that all is not well for a couple, that some change is needed to keep their relationship healthy.
The key questions are

• "how can we manage not to hurt each other or our relationship when we have a row?" and
• "how can we learn from the conflict?"

Avoiding conflict could mean avoiding important issues which would be better faced and sorted out.
Conflict is a symptom - treating the symptom by patching things up without finding out its cause is unwise in the long-term.

Anger

Anger is, for many people, a negative feeling and one that can be frightening because of its intensity and possible consequences.

Expressing anger

Anger can be expressed by attacking the person we are angry with, doing a lot of shouting and screaming and perhaps using physical force by hitting, pushing or punching the other person.  Other ways way of expressing anger include withdrawing or using controlling behaviours.

Expressing anger in these ways will often leave a wound in the relationship that is harder to heal than the original cause of the anger. It may make you feel justified temporarily, but can also leave you feeling guilty (because of the effects of your behaviour) even if you are convinced you were in the right.

People who express their anger without restraint often claim that their anger takes over, and that they can't help their actions.

It may feel as if anger is beyond our control, but in reality everyone can learn to control their response to anger.

Denying anger

Some people deal with anger by bottling it up and denying it.
Bottling up anger and refusing to deal with it may solve a problem for a while, but it will create worse problems in the future. Facing up to conflict, whilst sometimes painful and confronting, can improve a relationship.

Ignoring anger means ignoring the warning signals that all is not right in the relationship. It also leaves the other person in the conflict feeling frustrated because they sense that something is wrong, but cannot get things out into the open and sort them out.

Denying anger can gradually destroy a relationship. For example, it is difficult for a couple to be intimate and trusting with each other if they keep denying or ignoring the anger between them.

Acknowledging anger and acting on our anger

The most constructive way of handling anger is to resolve conflict as quickly and as constructively as possible.

A verbal attack on your partner when you are angry is unhelpful, as is trying to score points by pointing out past failures.
When conflict arises the following steps may be useful:

• Admit that you are angry or acknowledge that your partner is angry. Try using "I" statements such as, “I feel angry and let down that you are so late for dinner and didn’t call me” rather than “You make me angry because you’re always late.” Or, “I can see that you are angry, so let’s try to talk about it calmly.”
• Admitting your anger lets your partner know how you are feeling. It helps to get problems into the open so that both partners can do something about them.
• Ask for "time out" and encourage your partner to do the same. This is essential if either you or your partner feels too angry to talk about the problem - "I'm too angry now; let's talk about it later".
  Ask for time out if you need it, but time out shouldn’t be used to avoid issues. It is important that you come back later and try to sort things out.
• Explore your feelings and encourage your partner to do the same.There is nearly always another feeling underneath  anger like sadness, hurt, disappointment, or a sense of being let down or taken for granted. Let your partner know how you feel. The underlying feeling will usually be a clue to the real issue that you and your partner need to face up to and talk about. For example, you may say that you’re angry with your partner for spending so much time with his/her friends, but underneath you feel hurt and want him/her to spend more time with you.
• Listen to your partner's point of view. There may be an angle on the situation that you haven't considered. Be prepared to make changes.
• Be prepared to acknowledge your part in the problem. Saying sorry does not mean that you are accepting all the responsibility.
• Ask what can be learnt from the conflict. This will improve your relationship and lessen the chances of a similar conflict happening again.
• Be prepared to forgive or apologise and make up. Do this when you are ready, but it's best not to make your partner wait as a punishment. A row between two people who love each other is like a short separation. Reunion after separation can lead to a deepening of closeness and intimacy in the relationship.

Physical violence in intimate and family relationships is a serious criminal offence and is never acceptable as a response to conflict or provocation.

Warning signs of a relationship breakdown

Noticing early warning signs of relationship breakdown can help a couple resolve conflicts.

Some early warning signs are:

• abandonment of joint activities - just living parallel lives
• recurring arguments that are never resolved
• feelings of ongoing dissatisfaction and unhappiness
• preoccupation with interests and activities outside the relationship by one partner leading to the other partner feeling neglected
• complaints of loss of feeling - one or both partner/s speaking of no longer being in love
• an affair - becoming emotionally and/or sexually involved with a person outside the relationship
• increased fatigue and reduced ability to meet responsibilities at work
• arguments over parenting.

When is a good time to get professional help?

Professional guidance and extra skills can often assist.  If your relationship has some of the previously mentioned warning signs, it may be time to seek help.  Counsellors can help you identify underlying problems and may be able to help you find ways to mend your relationship.  Family dispute resolution practitioners (family mediators) can work with you to define practical issues and identify present and future needs.

The sooner that you act on issues, the easier they may be to resolve.

It is beneficial for couples to learn new ways of relating, communicating and resolving conflict.

Source; relationship Australia