What I Learned from a Decade of Failed Relationships (part 3)

You are 100% Responsible for Your 50% of the Relationship

Three entities exist in every relationship – the two individuals and the relationship itself. A therapist once told me that each partner is 100% responsible for their 50% of the relationship. Energy and effort exerted in pursuit of relationship success requires a degree of mutuality. For a relationship to work, each partner must carry their weight.
The 100% responsibility principle is significant when relationship problems surface. Does he sit passively, leaving the responsibility for resolution on the shoulders of his partner or does he take initiative in the matter? What if the problem at hand is only a problem for her and her partner is oblivious to the fact that anything is wrong? Does she sit passively, expecting her partner to get it? Does she communicate her needs or what she sees affecting the relationship, or, just remain silent allowing resentment to build?
How does he respond when his partner approaches with concerns – anger, defensiveness, indifference? Is a little psychological jiu jitsu used where suddenly the focus of the conversation is redirected to his grievances about his partner?
Pointing the finger of blame is a common response when problems arise but rarely, if ever, is responsibility for the relationship not shared. Blame, in this context, is nothing more than responsibility avoidance…at least, as it relates to resolving the problem.
“It’s your fault!” Ok, now what? Blame offers no solution or strategy to address the issue and outsources that task to the one blamed. A victim stance is assumed and the authority and capacity to act from an empowered stance is sacrificed.
Own Your Sh*t
Acknowledging mistakes, shortcomings, wrongdoings, etc. (i.e. imperfection) is often a starting point in resolving relationship problems; particularly when there is an issue between partners. It amazes me how difficult it is for some people to say, “I was wrong” or “I f***ed up.” The earth does not stop spinning and it goes a long way toward a harmonious relationship.
A mature relationship requires mature partners and mature partners don’t engage in finger-pointing and blame. When partners are willing to own their sh*t, and we all have it and bring it to our relationships, there is no reason to engage in such antics.
It is important to note that we are often unconscious of the sh*t we bring to our relationships and our relationships are sure to stir it up. Getting caught in the blame game cheats us out of the opportunity to address old stuff that, if resolved, could actually help to improve life with our partners. We can only do that if we are willing look in the mirror and see parts of ourselves previously hidden or unknown.
The Drama Triangle
Being an adult requires being responsible and being responsible requires giving up your victim. In the late 60s, Stephen Karpman developed a model of human interaction known as the Karpman Drama Triangle. He describes three roles we assume in the course of our interactions with others – victim, persecutor and rescuer.
We can assume any of these roles and drama is typically the result. In the victim role we exist disempowered, at the mercy of our persecutors (people or circumstances), blaming them for what is not working in our lives.
I think of persecutors as victims who have had enough. Being victimized imprints the psyche with the capacity to victimize. Tired of the powerless state of the victim, the persecutor role is often a quick path to empowerment.
The same is true of the rescuer role. Rescuers enter to save to the day, unknowingly reinforcing the victim/persecutor dynamic and the victim’s identity as helpless and dependent. It is a position of power and esteem.
Taking responsibility begins with acknowledging the role(s) assumed. As victims we may view our partners as persecutors, blaming them for all that is wrong in our lives or the relationship. As victims
we may seek inappropriate rescue, looking to them to assume responsibility for that which is ours. When they do not, they can easily become persecutors in the eyes of someone assuming a victim orientation.
As rescuers, the tendency is to over function; assuming your 100% and perhaps 25% that belongs to your partner. It is akin to giving assistance neither asked for nor desired and can result in a partner feeling disempowered or controlled. In other instances, rescuing behavior can be elicited by a partner in victim mode. Those who over function often become resentful, thinking they are giving too much while failing to realize it is a self-imposed state.
Healthier alternatives exist that facilitate greater relationship balance where both partners take responsibility, not blame. Where both mutually seek support, not rescue. Where both serve as facilitators of the others growth, not advantage at the expense of the others well-being.
In the event you are assuming 100% responsibility for your 50% of the relationship and your partner is not or neither of you are willing to do so, relationship success is highly unlikely. If you are over functioning, assuming responsibility that is the domain of your partner, an imbalance exists that can lead to resentment and disharmony. If both are over functioning, essentially what exists is a struggle for power and dominance; not necessarily the stuff of successful relationships.

Mutuality and balance in relationship functioning are essential. Assuming responsibility for your part of relationship success is as much about the big things as they are about the little things. Many dimensions exist in all relationships – resolving problems, fun, household tasks, socializing, finances, etc. One partner cannot bear the burden of the whole of relationship life while the other exists passively.
No magic formula exists regarding the relationship equation. Partners must discern, based on personality, strengths and weaknesses, preferences and many other factors specific to them, how they will function as a couple and what is required of each to ensure needs are met.
If relationship success is the goal, we must do our part and do it to the fullest – 100%. 
credit:Russell V. Richard

What I Learned from a Decade of Failed Relationships (part 2)

It Will Work or It Won’t
Two possible outcomes exist at the beginning of every relationship – it will result in a lifelong commitment or ultimately end. One party, for whatever reason, will conclude the relationship no longer works or the decision to part will be mutual.
Yeah, that kinda kills that buzz that comes with new romance. You know what I mean. That period when the birds are always singing, the sun is always shining and you can’t wait until the next time you see your guy or girl.
Statistically speaking, the odds are not in favor of a lifelong commitment and it does not take an elaborate research project to figure this out. For those who are married, think of the number of relationships you had or how many people you dated before finding The One. If you are fortunate enough to have found your One and Only on the second or third try, think of your friends and acquaintances and how many attempts it took for them. The same question applies to those who are still looking.
This non-romantic approach to starting a relationship is not intended to kill your buzz or take away from the joy of new romance. One of the best pieces of relationship advice I received was to enjoy it while it lasts because this period will fade. The high ultimately wears off and the task of two separate entities seeking to co-exist in the container of a relationship is at hand.
A second piece of lasting advice I received is that perspective is everything. The awareness that your new relationship may or may not last is important because it can serve as a litmus test to discern readiness to enter a relationship.
I often ask clients contemplating a new relationship how they will be affected if things do not work out. When the answer is “devastated”, I invite them to question their readiness. If nothing else, understanding the odds are not in favor of an enduring partnership can foster a healthy balance between reason and emotion. As Brad Paisley says in the song, I’m Still a Guy, “love makes a man do some things he ain’t proud of”. Same holds true for women.
Commitment is a Process
In the oxytocin fueled intoxication of infatuation, the tendency to believe he or she is The One is a cruel trick of the mind. For God’s sake how well do we really know someone in two or three months of dating?
My approach to dating is best described in the following way. Two people at opposite ends of a room are mutually attracted to each other, desire some form of connection beyond friendship and begin taking steps toward each other. With each step, more is revealed and more is known. To the extent there is comfort at each stage of the process, the next step forward is taken. Because conflict is inevitable, at some point the process of moving forward will come to a halt.
A few things can happen at this point: One or both parties will decide things will not work and leave the room entirely. One or both may take a step, or two, back and re-evaluate the relationship. They may ignore the conflict and proceed (this only ensures it will resurface and be a source of disconnection for the couple). If the conflict is adequately resolved, the process of moving forward continues.
The beauty of conflict is that, if properly resolved, it fosters greater connection and intimacy as a certain openness of one’s inner experience is required. Not always comfortable or easy but can result in two or three steps forward in the relationship building process.
These steps forward ultimately result in the two individuals meeting in the center of the room which symbolizes commitment. Commitment first begins with the decision to become exclusive. Engagement for marriage represents another process of moving to the center of the room and the decision to marry (or co-exist in a lifelong relationship) represents yet another.
Courting vs. Hooking Up
The old people where I come from call this process courting; not a term you hear much these days. Today we hook up. Too often movement from opposite ends of the room to the center occurs in one giant step.
Courting is a process and a very important one. Too many find themselves committed without fully knowing who they are committed to only to discover the dead bodies in the backyard, 13 children from previous hook ups or some other deal-breaking reality after the fact. A bit extreme, perhaps, but does happen and people often find themselves entangled with another in ways that are hard to disentangle.
Give it time but don’t waste time trying to fit square pegs in round holes. Know what you want and do not want before anyone even comes along. Know your deal breakers, what is negotiable and what is of no consequence with regard to your wants in a partner and a relationship. Ask questions, communicate, share, face and resolve conflict. Don’t move too fast…or too slow. Discern compatibility, choose to commit consciously and determine whether he or she has earned the privilege of your commitment. Base your choices on your head AND your heart.
Dating and relationships are complicated endeavors. Much can and should be done to avoid the missteps that cause relationships to fail but despite our best efforts to work toward success, nothing in life is guaranteed. Our relationships will either work or they won’t.

Credit:Russell V. Richard

What I Learned from a Decade of Failed Relationships (part 1)

My original intention was to write a single post chronicling lessons learned from my relationships over the past ten years. As I began writing, too much content emerged to put in one blog post. What began as a single entry has become a series. Apparently I have learned more than a few things from a decade of failed relationships. I describe them as such because none resulted in the ultimate goal of marriage.

Last year it occurred to me that I had been divorced for 10 years. 10 years! Pretty crazy for someone who really enjoyed marriage. I loved all married life offered yet it has eluded me for over a decade. It is certainly not from a lack of trying. I have dated and been involved in more relationships than I care to acknowledge or ever wanted.
For the most part, I was seeking the next Mrs. Richard. Even when I was not, what was meant to be casual dating often turned into something more than intended. As you might expect, some of those experiences did not end well. Ok, many of them did not end well. But those endings were the beginning of understanding a thing or two about relationships…
Despite choosing to write a series on the subject of relationships, this initial blog post remains lengthy. For those who do not have the time or attention span to read an excessively long blog, the key ideas are outlined below:

• The one constant in all your relationships is YOU! Time spent focusing on your partner is a distraction from the inner work required to create a healthier you.
• Your most important relationship is with yourself. How you think and feel about yourself colors your understanding of and relationship to everyone and everything else.
• We are multidimensional beings composed different parts that make up the whole our being and doing. Inner conflict results when these parts do not interact harmoniously.
• All endeavors begin with the self. The more mature, intact, balanced, whole, secure and aware we become, the greater our chances of creating successful, healthy, happy, harmonious relationships with others.

 The One Constant in All Your Relationships is YOU
Relationships are composed of two separate individuals seeking to co-exist. A container is created which holds and supports each individual as they grow collectively and individually. Each is responsible for themselves and each is responsible for the relationship. The whole is greater than the sum of its parts but each part is of vital significance and yours should be your primary focus.
My failed relationships typically ended with me finding fault and placing responsibility for its demise on the other party. Despite the ability to own my deficiencies, the focus was on hers. She was either self-centered, mean-spirited, too unavailable, too needy, too incompatible, too much of something or not enough of something else.
What I failed to acknowledge was the common denominator in all my relationships was ME! The time spent analyzing, fault-finding and character assassinating my Exes only ensured I would cheat myself out of the inner work required to attract different partners, avoid relationships with no potential, stop forcing square pegs into round holes and learn to relate and respond in ways more favorable to relationship success.
We bring the totality of ourselves to the relationship equation – the good, the bad and the ugly, our strengths and weaknesses and our gifts, talents and imperfections. Time spent focusing externally only keeps us from the truth that, in all our relations, the one constant is us.  So maybe, just maybe, it behooves us to focus more on the role we play in our relationship failures than our partner’s.
Your Most Important Relationship is with YOURSELF
The most important relationship we will ever have is with ourselves. Many argue that our relationship to God or our higher power is the most important. While this is true in one respect, how we think and feel about ourselves colors our understanding of and relationship to the Divine and everyone and everything else. Those lacking in the belief that they are worthy and deserving of the Creator’s blessings struggle to receive them, often even to see them.
One of the more powerful interventions I use in my practice is simply to have people look at themselves in a mirror. How we think and feel about ourselves is revealed in the answer to the question, “what do you see?” Many see a self defined by internalized messages of parents, peers and other key figures during the formative years.
Neurologically primed to tune into the negative, the positives are often lost or rendered insignificant. Some receive few, if any, statements of their worth or value. What is said and done to us as children communicates powerful messages that, indeed, become our inner voice and the reflection we see staring back at us.
Others struggle to look deeply into themselves because of their lived experience. I have worked with clients who can only see past traumas reflected back to them; their own self-image a reminder of the abuse they endured.
I half-jokingly, half-seriously say your mirror should be your best friend. If the person staring back at you is constantly tearing you down, it will be pretty difficult to face the world with power and confidence. The idea of your mirror being your best friend is not vanity. I am not speaking of arrogance or ego inflation but a humble reminder of your inherent worth and the unique gifts and talents you bring to the world.
It does not matter what anyone has said to you or done to you. A power far greater than anyone who has condemned you, abused you or spoken ill of you decided you should be here…in this life, in this place, at this time. Is there any greater indication of your worth and value than that?
How we think about ourselves influences how we relate to others which influences how others relate to us which shapes our relationship destiny. If my core belief about myself is that I lack worth and value, I will attract others who confirm this belief. When they do not, I will unconsciously create relationship dynamics to fit this narrative.
This is more commonly known as self-sabotage. I seek a good man but attract a bad boy. I seek an attentive woman but attract a self-absorbed diva. When Mr. or Mrs. Right comes along, I am not attracted or push them away.
The Challenge of Multidimensionality
How we think and feel about ourselves is not the only factor influencing how we relate to ourselves or the self we bring to relationships. While we are one part of the whole of our relationship, we are also multidimensional beings composed different parts that make up the whole of us. Most of us think of ourselves as one single self; a single entity interacting with the external world. In truth we are several selves with any one of them capable of dictating our actions and interactions.
Think of yourself as a bus with the different parts of your personality representing its passengers. At any given time any one of them can take the wheel. The question is who (or which part of you) is driving and do you want that part in the driver’s seat? The course of our lives, our decisions and choices and their inevitable outcomes depends on which part of us is driving our bus.
Multidimensionality is not to be confused with Dissociative Identity Disorder (more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). That is an entirely different matter. Have you ever said, “A part of me that wants to __________?” This implies another part that does not or wants something else. The devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other also illustrate this point.
In my own experience, a part of me likes to sit home and read books. A very different part of me likes going to parties. Yet another part of me likes playing sports while another would rather write this blog. The passengers in our bus emerge at different times in our lives for specific purposes but do not always function harmoniously.
Inner conflict represents different parts of ourselves warring against each other. A lonely and needy part may desperately want to enter a new relationship while a hurt part may resist. The part that desires independence may surface in response to a partner’s request to take the relationship to the next level. The part that desires control may conflict with the part that realizes the need for compromise.
Know Thyself
The importance of this point is summed up in the ancient wisdom that commands us to know thyself. Remove the speck of dust in our eye before removing the plank from the eye of another. Let him who would move the world first move himself. Be the change you seek in the world. These quotes from the Bible, Socrates and Gandhi point to the fact that all endeavors begin with the self.
The quality of our relationships reflects the quality of the self we bring to them – the level of consciousness and psycho-spiritual maturity we have attained and the harmony existing among the parts that form the whole of us. The more mature, intact, balanced, secure and aware we become, the greater our chances of creating successful, healthy, happy, harmonious relationships with others.

Why Forgiveness is Necessary When it Comes to Love

We’ve all heard the saying “forgive and forget,” but how many of us truly know what this means or how to do it? Forgiveness involves engaging with a complex series of emotions – anger, pain, frustration, and fear – which most of us try to avoid.
Unfortunately, we can’t escape these feelings in life, at least not for long. Chances are, you have been hurt in the past, and you have experienced anger, pain, frustration, and fear. All of these emotions have shaped your current perception of the world, along with the decisions you make, your health, your attitude – nearly every aspect of your life.
The real question is – to what extent have you let these negative emotions go?
Forgiveness is not easy. It’s not a benevolent gesture to be bestowed on someone who has wronged you, to free him from guilt. It’s not about him at all. Instead, it’s an active, challenging internal process that is specifically to help you. It is a shedding of those negative emotions that hold you back, that prevent you from feeling peace, happiness, and even love.
Let’s take an example. Do you have an ex who cheated on you or somehow blindsided you? Did you have to give up on your idea of what the relationship was – and the life you thought you’d have together? Now think about how you dealt with the pain. Did you allow yourself to grieve, or did you emotionally attack your ex in anger? Or did you hold the pain inside of you, forcing yourself to internalize your hurt and carry on?
When you hold on to negative emotions like these, they manifest in your psyche. Over time, you don’t trust men (or women), and have sabotaged recent relationships trying to achieve some sort of guarantee that you wouldn’t get hurt again. Or maybe you have numbed yourself, hiding behind a string of casual relationships that never quite satisfy you. Either way, there is a common link here. You have become so wrapped up in the injustice of the past that you can’t live in the present. Perhaps you’ve become depressed and anxious, or you can’t help but look at the world as a frightening place that needs to be controlled, because it will only let you down.
Maybe it’s time to let go of the baggage you are carrying. Maybe it’s time you considered forgiveness.
Forgiveness has nothing to do with justice, or denying your own pain and the other person’s responsibility in hurting you. Rather, it’s a choice to help yourself – to release the emotional prison you’ve constructed that is no longer serving you and is in fact, keeping love out. Forgiveness is ultimately an act of love for yourself – to allow you to feel peace, joy, and love again.
Forgiveness not only helps heal your emotional scars, but physical ones, too. The Mayo Clinic looks at the health implications of letting go of grudges, resentments, and pain, which they say leads to:

• Healthier relationships
• Greater spiritual and psychological well-being
• Less anxiety, stress, and hostility
• Lower blood pressure
• Fewer symptoms of depression
• A stronger immune system
• Improved heart health
• Higher self-esteem

As you forgive and let go, your life will no longer be defined by your pain. Instead, you’ll have greater compassion and understanding towards others. Your perspective changes because you have changed.
If you aren’t ready to forgive your ex, start with more manageable goals, like forgiving the guy who cuts you off on the highway or your neighbor who had the loud party last night. When you are able to forgive and let go of the small things, you’ll be better prepared to let go of what’s really hurting you, like your ex’s betrayal.
Forgiveness is a process, so be kind to yourself along the way. The more you work towards compassion for others, the more prepared you’ll be to allow forgiveness to work its magic in your life.

Make it Easy for Him to Love You

You’ve probably heard that men like a woman who can be easygoing and fun to be with. And that’s entirely true, especially when you’re talking about men who handle a lot of pressure at work. But this doesn’t mean you need to be a pushover. Read on to find out how you can make it easy for him to be with you…without losing what’s important to you.

HOW HUMAN NATURE CAN WORK AGAINST YOU

Everyone wants to have their needs met first. It’s basic human nature. But being able to delay your gratification is an amazing thing to develop in your life (and that goes for every part of your life, not just dating). Most people (men and women) want to talk, talk, talk about what they think and what they want. The root of most communication problems lies in NOT considering the other side.

If you want a man to listen to you and communicate well with you, then you need to honestly and critically consider the man’s perspective, his emotional state, his communication skills and where he’s coming from…all at the same time. Here’s the thing…

PUTTING YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES WORKS FOR BOTH OF YOU

When you don’t do this with a man, and don’t consider things from his perspective, in the same way you want him to consider yours, you are subconsciously telling him that you’re more interested in your feelings and what YOU want than you are in his feelings and what he wants.

I see a form of this all the time in business, by the way. Say somebody wants to sell me something. If they immediately lunge in with their agenda, it will likely put me on the defensive. But if they’ve done their “homework” on me and what I’m looking for, instead of coming from a place of need about what they want from me…the whole situation changes the second they show me they’ve thought about what I want.  It’s very simple…but extremely powerful.

SHIFTING TO TEAM-BASED THINKING

So let’s take this concept directly back to communicating with a man. Namely, you’ve got to learn to listen and understand where he’s at and where he’s coming from. Patience, empathy and understanding are the first steps towards creating the relationship you dream about with another person who has his own dreams, desires, and frustrations.

Say your boyfriend has a habit of zoning out when he gets home, and you’d like to go out a few nights a week. You can start with an affirming statement like, “I really care about our relationship, and I want us both to be happy.”

When you lead like this, he won’t feel the need to be defensive. You’ll have created a safe space for him to listen. Then you can say: “I understand you’re really tired sometimes and just want to zone out, but I just need to have some nights during the week when we can do something together.” Then you come up with an event you both like rather than focusing on the negative. When you do this, he’ll begin to see you two as a team – and that’s a win-win for both of you.
coutesy:eharmony

How Much Should You Compromise In a Relationship?

 

 

Thoughts to consider when compromising and when to call it quits.

Every relationship needs a fair share of adjusting and compromising by both partners. In this column, I would like to explore some guidelines and boundaries on this tendency to compromise. How much is too much compromise and when/how do you know that it is time to voice your concerns and discuss the issue in hand openly and honestly and at what time you should just end the relationship.
Compromising is an important aspect of every relationship.  It ought not be the same person who is always compromising, now should it be that only one person does all of the compromising. On any given discussion, both parties must be willing to compromise. If not, the one person who does the compromising shall begin to have resentment.  Resentment builds up over time until there is no fixing a relationship. Thus, it is highly important that both people bend when a compromise is needed.
We all have our limits and hopefully boundaries. We all experience heartache when an agreement is made, and then broken.  It doesn’t really matter what the reasoning was behind breaking an agreement, only that the agreement was null and void due to his actions. When this occurs, it is important to discuss what happened and if the agreement requires some adjustments.  It is also important at this time to emphasize that when an agreement is no longer working for either of you that a discussion and modification of the agreement needs to occur. If either party cannot or is not willing to accept the new agreement, or you cannot agree to disagree, then it is time to go separate ways. As long as there is good, clear and frequent communication, stay with the partner.

Breaking Up Hurts So Bad Because Your Body Really DOES Feel Pain

 

 

A broken heart for many people is the same pain sensation of getting physically hurt.

Breaking up is hard to do, is more complicated than one may think.
Our bodies not only get attracted to another human on a mental level but a chemical level as well. When that attachment gets broken our bodies will go through a phase of withdrawal.
Not only does our mind long for that person but the loss of the chemical connection literally sends a message to the brain or the brain sends a message to the body that simulates pain.

 

A broken heart for many people is the same pain sensation of getting physically hurt.
Breaking up or being dumped actually heightens the pheromone of passionate love in the brain circuits of both men and women. Withdrawal from this is like weaning off of a drug, that is why physical distance from that person is helpful in the breaking up process. The breakup triggers our fear of survival in the amygdala, this part of the brain that engages in worry and critical thinking or judgment. That is why some of the strange actions of a love sick person can seem so bizarre. In this state obsessive thoughts can take over, this is the equivalent of the rush of passion that one may feel in a new relationship. This same process happens in the negative sense over the loss of the person.
When love is lost men are three times more likely to commit suicide, whereas females tend to fall into a state of depression. Rejection, as studied in brain imaging tests, reveals that the same circuits in the brain that triggers physical pain also, triggers the same pain over the loss of a loved one. The studies show that the chemical shift from the high activity of active love becomes flat biochemistry of loss and grief. Many times people do not understand that the loss of a marriage or relationship really can feel like a death.
Love can hurt, but it can also be the most wonderful gift, understanding that it is not always a conscious choice that we end up loving can shed some light on the very complicated feeling of human connections. We really do love as humans with our mind, body and our brain chemistry.

15 Signs You Are in a Dead-End Relationship

Relationships usually begin with high hopes and bright expectations. The key is to not waste precious time hanging onto one that is bringing up more and more question marks. Here are signs that you’re sticking with a dead-end relationship, and it might be time to move on:
1. You have more confusion than clarity. Time should bring important insights into your relationship, so it’s a red flag if you are more confused now than you were weeks or months ago.
2. Initial attraction hasn’t led to a lasting bond. Being attracted to external qualities—a nice smile, a quick wit, a confident demeanor—can hold a couple together for only so long. A romance that flames out quickly might be due to a strong physical attraction with little else to feed it.
3. Your desire for “space” is increasing. Everyone needs individual time—that’s normal and natural. But if “me time” has become much more appealing than “us time,” consider this a clear warning sign.
4. You work hard to improve the relationship, but the other person is not making the same effort. A healthy union needs two people who both carry their weight and invest equally in the partnership.
5. Time has revealed a mismatch in your values and beliefs. Be realistic about whether your respective lives and desires are pointing you in the same direction, or whether impossible compromises lie ahead.
6. You don’t share the same level of motivation and ambition. Whether these include career advancement, further education, or personal development, each partner should have clearly defined objectives and a plan to attain them.
7. You’ve noticed incidents of dishonesty and deception. Lies destroy a crucial component of any relationship: trust. The presence of lies and the absence of trust spell trouble.
8. One person is clingy and dependent. Few relationships are able to survive extreme jealousy, possessiveness, overdependence, or controlling behavior. Such actions and attitudes indicate that one or both people lack a solid emotional foundation.
9. Your partner is unrealistic about what is needed for long-term success. In a healthy relationship, the individuals acknowledge that nobody is perfect and there will surely be problems to address. Every relationship will require hard work and perseverance.
10. It’s become obvious that your career and financial goals are not in sync. Ask yourselves how you envision your standard of living, income, and vocational progress into the future.
11. You have put your own needs and ambitions on hold to concentrate more on your lover’s. This kind of imbalance will eventually leave you feeling resentful. A healthy relationship requires equality, with both individuals feeling valued.
12. More and more you wonder if there’s someone better suited for you. It’s normal to have occasional doubts and questions about the long-term prospects of your partnership, but don’t ignore the warning signs if those thoughts become increasingly frequent.
13. You don’t feel like you can be “completely yourself” with this person. Trying to change or conceal your true self is a big tip that this isn’t a good match.
14. You’re feeling an acute sense of “time urgency.” Regardless of your age, you’ve begun to think that the time you’re spending in this relationship could be better spent exploring other (better) possibilities.
15. As you look ahead, the vision of your future together is fuzzy. You should be able to envision your relationship five, ten, twenty years ahead with joy and clarity.
 Have you felt like this in past relationships?

The 2 Words You Need to Be Saying Much More in Your Relationship

“Thank you.” Two simple words that feel SO good to hear.
So, why do so many couples use them so infrequently? William James, the great American psychologist, said, “The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.”
Appreciation is a gift we give others that costs us nothing! And giving just a little bit of it through effective communication goes further towards improving our relationships more than any over-priced “thing.” We all know this. So why are so many of us stingy when it comes to showing appreciation?
Are we too busy? Too self-important? Too entitled? Or simply too stubborn and emotionally ungenerous?
Sure, you can say “Well, s/he’s supposed to do that.” Right. Possibly. But does that mean people in your life don’t deserve acknowledgment? After all, I’ll bet you’d have something to say about it if those things didn’t get done (or that kindness and affection wasn’t shown to you).
At home, we don’t appreciate—we expect! We say things like, “If you really love me, you would ______.” Where is the appreciation for our loved ones? Do you expect the garbage to go out and the dishes be put away? Why? Because it’s their “job?” Well, in life we get paid for doing a job, so how about paying them with a “thank you?” Everyone craves recognition for their efforts. So, show a little appreciation. It’s a very easy habit to acquire.
Transform your relationship with your teenager.
Ever lived with teenagers? It’s pretty hard to motivate them, right? Or is it? The easiest way to engage a teen is to catch them doing something right. That means recognizing and rewarding the behavior you want to see more of. Saying “thank you” is an easy way to do that.
Tell them what you like about what they’re doing, thinking, and wearing. And skip all the criticism about what you don’t like. Simply look and you’ll find many things each day worthy of acknowledgment. Try it for a month and watch their attitude (and your relationship with them) transform.
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Once you make a point to acknowledge the contributions of your family and partner, remember: once is not enough. Each time they take the trash out, bring you your coffee, or extend themselves on your behalf, say those powerful words,”thank you.”
Know what to overlook.
There is another side to showing appreciation. It is as equally important as verbal recognition. Knowing what to compliment is one thing … but knowing what to overlook is also a way of showing love.
Ah! That’s worth thinking about, isn’t it?
William James once said: “The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.” He was right. When things don’t go according to our expectations, we start pointing fingers. Tempers flare and nitpicking escalates. A wise person takes a step back and looks at the whole picture. They put their needs and wants aside for a moment and make space to see the other person’s wants and needs, as well. They ask themselves: What is happening here? What do we truly want to happen?
Whether at home or at work, this is the time to focus on appreciation and then follow it with conscious problem-solving.
When you feel things getting tense, pause and reflect on a time you felt appreciated. More importantly, ask yourself when was the last time you actually found something to appreciate in another? This helps diffuse the anger, frustration, fear or hurt that you are feeling and allows you to refocus your energy on good communication.
Start with yourself.
Demanding to receive respect or appreciation when the other person is feeling deprived of it will only escalate the conflict. Whoever is most sane at the moment, in any relationship, is the one responsible for bringing that relationship back to positive connection. Let that “sane” person be you.
Appreciation is never wasted.
Find things to acknowledge. Notice what others do well. Catch them doing things right. Notice what others do for you. Offer your thanks. You’ll feel better. And, very soon, it will come back to you. I promise.
coutesy:yourtango

15 Ways to Rescue a Relationship on the Rocks

Every relationship goes through hard times. Many couples learn how to navigate through choppy waters and sail on toward a bright future together. Others, however, hit a rough spot and stay stuck, wondering if they’ve suffered irreparable damage.
For dating couples, this is the time to evaluate if the relationship has run its course and it’s best to part ways . . . or if the relationship has enough potential to do the hard work necessary to overcome difficulties. If you and your partner have encountered problems but want to make repairs, start here:
1. Make sure both of you are committed to the relationship rescue. It takes two fully invested individuals to turn things around.
2. Be the healthiest person you can be. Relationship problems often come because one or both partners struggle with emotional health issues. Attend to your own health even as you encourage your partner to do the same.
3. Clearly identify the issues. In times of adversity, circumstances can become clouded and confusing. Make sure you and your partner articulate the issues as each of you perceive them.
4. Don’t rush to resolution. Healing takes time, and with your future happiness at stake there’s no need to hurry the process.
5. Recognize what’s right. It might seem like everything about your relationship is wrong. It’s very likely there is also plenty right — or you wouldn’t have made it this far.
6. Own what is yours to own. Without personal responsibility on the part of each partner, little progress can be made.
7. State your needs. To improve your relationship, tell your partner precisely what you need from him/her moving forward.
8. Look back only if it helps you look forward. Dwelling on past mistakes and hurts won’t help to foster healing—unless issues need to be explored and discussed to make sure they’re not merely swept under the rug.
9. Express yourself without escalating the situation. You can fully communicate your thoughts and feelings without including threats, accusations, or putdowns.
10. Affirm that you both have the right to feel and think the way you do. No one is wrong simply because he or she has a different point of view.
11. Set aside the need to win. The goal should not be making one person out to be the winner and one the loser. In healthy relationships, both partners feel like winners.
12. Enlist the help of a counselor. Often, a neutral third party—one with training and experience—can provide valuable insights.
13. Talk about trust. In nearly every troubled relationship, trust has been broken. Discuss the ways in which you feel hurt, fully and honestly.
14. Then take steps to rebuild trust. Talk specifically about what each of you needs in order for trust to be re-established.
15. Practice forgiveness. Any rocky relationship is going to need a healthy dose of forgiveness by one or both partners.

2 Proven, Powerful, Cost-Free Ways To Show Your Love

 

It’s not spending money that makes the difference in a great committed relationship. It may not even be spending time. It’s about priority and quality.

These two things can make your relationship stronger. No kidding!

1. Take the time to pay attention to each other each time you meet. 

   Yes, when your partner comes in the room or the house, take the time to go and greet him or her. You may be deeply involved in your work, music, or computer, but really, what’s more important?
   The five minutes it takes to go and re-connect with your partner when you meet before you jump into the joys and struggles of the day are valuable. Hug, kiss, connect! A “Hi!” from another room is not nearly as meaningful as a hug. Taking the time to walk to the door and greet with a hug and kiss makes your partner a priority. That’s as it needs to be!

2. Make eye contact with your partner, especially when he or she is speaking. 

   Simple, right? When you make eye contact, you connect in deeper ways than when you simply hear each other. Even if you find it difficult to hold that eye contact–or, perhaps, you’re from a culture that holds that eye contact for any length of time is intrusive–it is important for that connection.
   If you are bold enough, try this: just sit down together, facing one another. Maybe you have a cup of tea or a glass of wine, or maybe not. Then, without effort or anxiety, just look into each other’s eyes.
   Yes, squelch that tendency to laugh or to be silly and make your partner laugh. This is about experiencing eye contact with someone you love. Allow the feelings you experience to wash over you. You’ll feel the deeper connection if you stay with it.
   So, two simple, free, proven ways to connect more deeply with your partner, and to create the opportunity for your partner to be seen, heard, and acknowledged several times a day.
   Want a third one?  This is the advanced way: never leave each other without saying good-bye while looking at each other. I know that may sound excessive, but try it for a week. Add a hug or a kiss, and see what happens.

Try these three things. It can only promote greater intimacy. And, that’s a good thing, right?

In A Relationship, It’s All About Joining Forces

 

Focused on winning in your relationship? That sets you both up as opposing forces, battling to win.

That’s not what creates great, stable, long-term relationships. You need to become a joint force. You and your partner doing life together. That’s the basis you need to be on.
So many times, clients come in, each with the hope that I’m going to agree that they–and preferably, they alone–are right and their partner is wrong. That is very seldom the case!
It’s the way that they are coming at relationship that is causing all the uproar. Neither partner has learned that forging a relationship means being interested in what your partner is thinking, feeling, needing, and wanting. It means listening, rather than being defensive. It means coming to any conversation with an intent to learn about your partner, rather than with an intent to protect yourself, no matter what! It means avoiding passive aggressive behaviors and recognizing them. Relationship issues come to the forefront when you become opposing forces.
What sets up opposing forces?

• “I’m right and you’re wrong.”
• “My needs are more important than yours.”
• “I’m logical and you’re always talking about feelings.”

The battle is on if you go into a discussion with those mindsets!
No one is happy, and each of you dreads getting into conversations that go that way. Soon, you’re not talking much. And, when you do talk, it’s about superficial things about dates, times, and events. You stay away from sticky subjects, and avoid conflict.
Conflict is natural. You did notice that there are two of you, right? Two different lives. Two different upbringings. Two difference personalities. Two different styles. Building a relationship that works well and lasts requires a lot of working through all those differences. You can’t ignore them. One is not right and the other one wrong.
Good relationship advice will always include:

• learn to listen well, with the intent to learn about your partner
• take time to brainstorm and explore many options for solving problems (HINT: There are more than two…lol)
• acknowledge that “being different” and “being wrong” are not the same
• consciously look for places of agreement within every conversation. You CAN find something.
• remember how you want to feel about yourself and your partner at the end of a difficult conversation, and aim at it

Decide to stick to the relationship issues. Don’t expand the conversation to sweeping negatives about your partner.

In all things, BE HARD ON ISSUES AND SOFT ON YOUR PARTNER!  Become a joint force capable of solving relationship issues, not opposing forces determined to win at all costs!

No Matter What, Keep Your Sense Of Humor!

 

There’s really not much in a relationship that cannot be improved with a light heart and a sense of humor.

Sure, there are big relationship issues that have to be taken seriously–health, finances, loss, infidelity, respect, safety, and abuse in all its forms. And then, there’s all the rest. By comparison to that list, other things can do with a lighter touch.

Laughter is a great reliever of tension and stress. A good laugh can shift your mood, lift your spirit, and give you back a sense of perspective.  And, laughter helps you get closer to your partner, your children, and other people you love who are just as flawed as you and everyone else.
Take special note of the need for laughter if you happen to think that perfection is possible! It isn’t, but that belief can ruin you day, your relationship, and your life. Laugh! Nobody’s perfect. Stuff happens. And, nobody’s dying.
You can create greater intimacy by laughing together. Remembering times you’ve laughed together helps you relive them, and makes your bond closer.  Wonder if this is so? Think of a time you tried something new in bed…and, it didn’t quite work. Did you laugh about it?  I hope so, because embarrassment, shame, or blame would be really sad results. And, so unnecessary.
Laugh about the inability to put together that new crib, or treadmill. Laugh about the complete flop of a new recipe, or the difficulties posed by new software. The tension of frustration will melt. Let yourself off the hook. People make mistakes. It’s only when they repeat them that it may not become a laughing matter.
You know what I’m talking about, and you know that sometimes it’s hard to see the humor in things. That’s often because you’ve got these high expectations of yourself and others. Those high expectations are often also unreasonable. You know you sometimes easily laugh off, or forgive, someone else for doing or saying things that you absolutely refuse to forgive yourself for. You’ll make excuses for that other person. You’ll tell them that they shouldn’t be so hard on themselves, yet you hold yourself to a much more rigid standard.
Purposefully create times to have fun together, too. Create times that will lead to laughter, and lightness, and greater intimacy. That gives you a reservoir to draw from when things get too tense.
Lighten up. The world is not going to stop turning when someone in your house, or your life, makes a mistake. Do what you wish they would do when you screw up: make light of it!
CAUTION: Laugh with your partner, not at your partner. That’s where you have to take care, be thoughtful, and aware of your partner’s feelings. Laughter does NOT make light of a painful remark you’ve just delivered. It often sounds as though you’re making light of hurting your partner’s feelings. You don’t want to be doing that. At least, I certainly hope you don’t.
You can laugh at yourself, though, any time you want. Often, that will lighten the room, and give everyone else permission to laugh, too.
G. K Chesterton wrote that “Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.” Just think what you can do for yourself, your partner, and your children if you can take yourself more lightly. You’ll know when it’s time to be serious. And, that’s probably must less often than you think.

Sure, in a relationship, there are times when life is no laughing matter. Life can be painful, difficult, and complicated, and much of the time, it is. The good news is that you have the wonderful opportunity to choose your response to it. That gives you power. You can blame and shame, you can get your knickers in a twist, or you can lighten up, and take it easy on yourself and others. That’s where the real power in life lies.

Go forth and laugh more!

courtesy:
Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

3 Things You Should NEVER Do In Your Relationship

Don't let these mistakes change your relationship for the worse.

Does this sound familiar? You’ve been together for a while now and have reached the ‘comfortable’ stage in your relationship.
You sometimes forget to shave your legs. He doesn’t call as often in the day as he should. You’re both in the habit of watching TV during dinner or playing around on Facebook instead of actually talking to each other.
These are all examples of bad habits in relationships that you need to nip in the bud if you want to grow together and become even more intimate. Each relationship is unique with each couple experiencing different bad habits that they need to break.

 

Here are three things you should NEVER do in relationships:
1. Don't make assumptions.
Never assume! Never assume that your partner knows you love him/her and that you don’t need to say it. Never assume that your partner won’t mind if you stay late at work without calling. Whatever the scenario, the point is ‘don’t make assumptions, communicate!’
2. Don't take each other for granted.
Avoid the mindset that just because your partner is in a relationship with you, it's his/her duty to do things to please you. Even though it's crucial that you're kind to each other, don’t forget to thank your partner for what he/she does and to appreciate each other.
3. Don't be disrespectful.
It’s never OK to disrespect your partner. Whether it’s disrespect in front of the kids, in front of others or even in private when it’s just the two of you, it’s not OK. Mutual respect is key to any strong, healthy relationship.

Is Jealously Destroying Your Chance At True Love?

Stop that green-eyed monster named jealousy from surpressing your chance at love!

JEALOUSY! This is a big relationship issue that often does (but doesn't have to) ruin your relationship. Jealousy is the green, fire-breathing monster lying in wait to devour relationships! Is it just waiting for an opportunity to put an end to yours?
Jealousy is within you. It has nothing to do with your partner. No matter what your partner does, you still feel jealous UNLESS you track it down, dissect it, and reduce it to a speck of its former power!
Jealous people are:

• Suspicious
• Accusatory
• Smothering
• Blaming
• Shaming
• Manipulative
• FEARFUL

That last one is really BIG! Jealous people are FEARFUL. They are afraid of being betrayed, making a mistake, not being "in the know," left, lost, abandoned, and wrong. It's all about them. That other poor partner has nothing to do with it at all!

 

(Now, just in case you're about to go off the deep end and yell at me "But, s/he cheated," that is not about jealousy. That is about actual behavior that took place that now needs attention and relationship help.)
Jealousy is something that really happened. It's more a fear that something could happen. It worms its way up from within you, looking suspiciously at your partner over your shoulder at all times. Jealousy is an inside job.
It is your insecurities tying you up in knots and spitting them out at your partner. Again, it has nothing to do with your partner.
Dr. Phil says: "Jealousy is a poorly disguised need for power and control."  Here's some telling relationship questions:

• Do you have a need to know where your partner is at every minute?
• Do you suspect the worst when your partner is out of your sight?
• Do you think that every person your partner meets is out to seduce them?

You've got a problem! And, jealousy will drive your partner away. Even if your partner has never strayed in thought, word, or deed, your suspicious behavior may drive them to do that, too.
If s/he is being accused of cheating all the time, they might take that as you telling them to go ahead. It won't make any difference if they did or didn't! You'll still be jealous. (If your partner uses your suspicious nature as a reason to cheat, you two both need help! But, that's a topic for another day.)
Sometimes people are as jealous of their partners as they were of other children taking away their mother's attention. There's a clue in there. Maybe, you didn't get the attention you wanted before, and now you feel no one could possibly love you enough to be faithful.
Notice, I said you feel that way. Feelings are not facts. You are entitled to your feelings but you must examine them for evidence in reality that they are accurate. Jealous people usually can't find that evidence.
Jealous people are hurting people: they both hurt others, and are hurting themselves. If you are jealous, get some help. Your friends or relatives cannot help you with this. You need to uncover the causes and lay them to rest once and for all. It's not easy and it can happen.
I had a client who started her first session with, "I am so jealous. I know it will ruin my relationship. I cannot stop. Please help." She was really in pain and her partner was threatening to leave for the last time. She was willing to change to keep her jealousy from ruining her relationship. Wise woman.
Are you too jealous to let love in? Are you letting jealousy ruin your relationship? You don't have to. You can get relationship help to find out where that jealousy came from, where it's hiding, and why it sneaks its head out to devour your relationship. It will devour you, too, if you let it.
Don't let jealousy ruin your relationship and your life. Stop it now....
 Courtesy:foryourrelationshiphelp/yourtango

Why Men Are More Distant Than Women In Relationships

 

Ever wonder why you seem to care more than your man does about the relationship?

According to IndianExpress, a new study claims that women immerse themselves in their romantic relationships, while men place their romantic partners on an equal but distant footing. This study shows that generally, women appear to be more invested in their relationships than men and that their happiness and well-being is more dependent upon how things are going in their intimate relationships. Is this a surprise to you? It's not a surprise to me.
After all, who is usually the one who recognizes when things in the relationship aren't working too well? The woman. Who is it that typically seeks professional help with the relationship? The woman. Who is it that mostly spends time on YourTango, reading self-help books and going to seminars about relationships? Women. Why is it this way? (For more information, check out Secrets of Happy Couples.)
Women are biologically wired to be the nurturers. They are the ones with the skills to anticipate the needs of their partners, take care of nurturing the relationship and do the problem solving when things have gone awry. Men are more biologically wired to be the providers and protectors. It's not that the relationship isn't important to them, it's just that they show it in different ways — by working hard, establishing a career and maintaining an emotional distance.

 

You may ask yourself, "How can I change him? How can I make him more involved in this relationship?" I say, you shouldn't — so don't even try. InsideOut Empowerment tells us that we have five basic needs. We all have them; the strength of each is unique to each individual and they appear to be genetically programmed. That's not to say that circumstances, culture, stage of development and other factors don't impact the experience of these needs, but we are wired with a genetically determined profile that stays fairly stable throughout our lives. (To learn about your profile, take this free assessment.)
A relationship destroyer is looking at your partner, deciding he/she is deficient in some way and then attempting to "make" him/her different. It's not that people can't change; they can, it's just that they won't do it just because you want them to change!
The simple fact is: men and women are different. They tend to have different benefits in relationship but they are both interested in intimacy. Young adult women tend to be most focused on their need for connection. This manifests in having children, creating homes and nurturing their intimate relationships. That's not to say women don't have careers. They do, but most prioritize these connecting activities. 

Why 'Complicated Women' Attract The Best Men

 

Think you're 'too complicated' to find a man? Think again. 

A woman is complicated for a very good reason: to separate the horny, needy and desperate guys from the one man who can uniquely love, adore and appreciate her. What men refer to as "Playing Games" is actually unconscious testing on the part of a woman. It's so unconscious she doesn't even realize that she's doing it, but she is.
These tests are opportunities for a guy to begin to demonstrate that he's "The One," the man who is committed and focused on her above all others and will protect her, love her and be faithfully committed to her and only her.
Here's a real life example of what this might actually look like:

 

A couple is out on a movie date. It's late and it's been snowing lightly while the movie was on. They came in different vehicles and parked on opposite sides of the parking lot and now they're planning to head to a restaurant to continue their evening. When they realize they're parked on opposite sides of the lot he offers to walk her to her car.

• She says, "No, it's fine. You're parked on the other side of the lot. I'll meet you at the restaurant in a few minutes."
• What he hears: "I appreciate you being gentlemen enough to offer, but I'm fine," and so he hugs her and heads over to his car.

He just failed the test. Ironically, she might not even realize she'd given him the opportunity to demonstrate if he's the kind of stand-up man she's looking for. A better response could have been, "It's no trouble, and you're wearing heels in this snow. I'm happy to walk with you. I'll get you to your car and then we can swing around and pick mine up. Besides, you're going to need someone to brush the snow off your car while you warm it up."
Not only would he have proven himself to be a gentleman, but they would have had an opportunity to create a little physical deliciousness while they walked arm in arm. The unconscious locks that she has around "Am I going to allow this guy access to my mind, body and soul?" have begun to open!
A woman needs to feel that a man recognizes her need to be adored and protected. Evolved men are capable of this, ones still doing their work aren't. A wise woman waits for the man who aces these tests and passes up the ones who fail their unconsious standards. Until a man is capable of reading these signs and passing the tests he isn't capable of creating a space that makes a woman feel adored and the 'locks' to her body and her heart will remain closed.

A woman who settles for a guy who is fundamentally decent but fails these tests will eventually be disappointed — not because he doesn't have the potential to be a good partner, but because he's not yet fully matured. A woman who maintains high standards is the one who attracts men willing to do the work and figure it out how to make a connection. She's guaranteed to end up with a magnificent man instead of just a needy or horny one.

 

I Love You: 15 Ways Guys Say It Without Saying It

 

The silent ways he's showing you he cares.

Has your guy been fairly silent in the 4-letter-word department, and you're trying to figure out other ways to tell if he loves you? Sometimes, this can be hard; not everybody is vocal or obvious about their feelings, and many may feel it is difficult to voice those deeper emotions whether it's for fear of rejection, commitment or simply never having said "I Love You" before.

Here are some subtle, silent ways to tell if he's thinking it.

1. Passionate, Long-Lasting Kisses
Who doesn't love an excellent, lengthy kiss? When he's continuously initiating these and you can feel the passion each time he does, it is clear that he's more than just a little excited to be around you.
2. His Friends Love You
If all his buddies are starting to warm up to you and truly seem to enjoy your company, it could be because they know how happy you're making their friend — thus making them start to find you as awesome as he does.
3. Close Personal Distance
You know how it's unnerving when somebody you're not interested in gets close to you? It's the complete opposite when someone you adore tends to be closer in distance than he is to other people.
4. Smiling After Kissing
Sure, you can have a little sweet smile after kissing someone whose company you enjoy, but do you ever just feel like positively beaming when it's someone you love? If you catch him grinning after your kisses all the time, it's a great sign that he truly enjoys your company.

5. He Listens Intently
While he might not be saying much when it comes to your relationship and his feelings about it, the fact that he listens closely when you're talking is incredibly significant. He may lean in closer when you're discussing important topics or nod when you say something poignant, showing how much your words mean to him.
6. Upright Posture
Most of us tend to slouch and have poorer posture than we should. However, if you're trying to impress the person you care about most and want him or her to be most attracted to you, you're going to stand or sit straight up.
7. Hand Squeezing
I once had a relationship with a guy who loved holding my hand and would occasionally squeeze it tightly when we were cuddling or out with friends, but hated any other kind of cutesy couple-like act. I always wondered why he was so opposed, but then I realized that every time he squeezed my hand, he was trying to say, "I love you" in a quiet, simple way.
8. Calling (Or Texting) For No Reason
Not all people do this when in love, so don't take it personally if he doesn't. That said, it's a sign that he feels comfortable with you in non-romantic situations as well as the obvious ones, and that he's thinking of you throughout the day. Keep Reading ...
9. He Sticks Around
Does he like to do activities together for no reason? For example, rather than just wanting to meet up at a dinner party, he'd rather go grocery shopping with you beforehand so the two of you can make a dish to bring together. Simply doing household things shows an interest in being closer than just casual daters or sex partners.
10. Eye Contact Often
When you're at a bar with friends, does he glance across the room just to make eye contact briefly and smile at one another? This indicates how, even when you two are doing different things, he still wants you to be aware of how much he cares.
11. Hair Ruffling
When people are nervous, they tend to run their fingers through their hair more often than normal. Does he do this when the pair of you are in close proximity to one another and it’s a romantic moment? If so, it could show that he wants to say something intimate but can't find the words.
12. Mirrored Behavior
Does he tend to take bites of his food at the same time as you or do other things similarly? He could be displaying isopraxism, the matching or behaviors that couples tend to do when becoming closer together.
13. Meaningful Gifts
When I say 'meaningful,' I don't mean 'expensive'; I mean that he spends effort and puts serious thought into finding you something that truly fits your personality to a T. I had one guy give me three pairs of socks: one with a crazy cute pattern, one specifically for boots and one for high heels. The week prior, I had gotten a blister on my foot due to not having thick enough socks for a pair of boots I had just purchased, so it was super sweet and a clear indication of his listening skills that he remembered.
14. Frequent Laughing
Does he find you funny and can't help but giggle when you do something silly? As odd as it sounds, the more often he laughs and finds you hilarious, the more serious the level of interest and excitement surrounding your relationship is.
15. Spontaneous Touching
When you're in a public place, does he put his fingers on your back to keep you closeby? Does he hold your hand atop yours while you two are in a restaurant? Random closeness via touching shows that he wants to maintain physical contact, even when it's not sexual.

Are YOU Trapped In A Love-Hate Relationship? (8 Ways To Tell)

 

The crazy-making in your relationship has officially reached toxic levels.

When you first met him—he seemed confident, charming, and challenging (in an intriguing way). Now, he just seems like a jerk!
Or, perhaps when you first met her—she seemed mysterious, delightfully unpredictable, and she kept you guessing in the most alluring way. Now, she seems like an alien.
Love/hate relationships seem funny, and even romantic ... in the movies. But in real life, they wreak havoc on your health and happiness.

 

Once you're seriously involved with a chronically difficult person, you'll second-guess yourself constantly and question your sanity whenever you try to solve everyday issues with your partner. It's important to know that behavior is a result of their early life situations.
You see, it's not that your partner WON'T play nice; he or she CAN'T. And you can't make them or fix them, either.
Yes, it's frustrating. You bend. You're considerate. You overextend, make excuses, give them space, support them, and give in. You don't expect too much, but nothing changes. It's infuriating, and the happy relationship you hoped for feels miserable and, sometimes, even hopeless.
Even this Mother Goose nursery rhyme captures the problem:
"There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid."

Male or female, the issue is the same—you fall in love with a person when they're being "very, very good" and question your judgment when they start acting horrid. And the longer you're with them, the more "horrid" seems to show up, making you forget the good parts about them entirely.
Knotting yourself up like a pretzel to conform to the twisted expectations of your partner is crazy-making.
You might have been so well-raised that you think, "If only I was more patient, more nurturing, more kind and understanding, then this crazy-making would stop." You look to yourself as the first source of the problem. It's always a good start, but in this case it's time to stop that.
You need to look squarely at these eight traits and see how many your partner has. Then, you'll know why you may need more information and stronger skills to manage your relationship in healthy ways.
8 traits of chronically difficult people:
1. They make you question if you can trust them. You tell yourself that you're safe with them, but all too often you find there are cracks in the foundation, and misplace your trust. They go so far that you feel like a bad person for not trusting them, even though you know you cannot.
2. Communication with them is vague. Nothing ever seems permanently pinned down. Everything is in flux. Decisions you think you made together get changed, negated, or twisted. That leaves you twisting in the wind.
3. They have no real interest in stopping the conflicts. In fact, they seem bound and determined to keep them going ... and you're right—these people thrive on conflict and want to keep things in a state of constant chaos.
4. They won't let you get close to them emotionally. As soon as you get too close (by their definition), they do something to break the connection. Yet, strangely, they tell you that you are the one who is emotionally distant. People with these traits fear closeness, all the while claiming that they don't get enough of it. Crazy-making!
5. They blame you for everything. It's always your fault. It's NEVER their fault. If, by chance, you're not the one blamed, then it's the weather, the family, the office, the government, or God. For that reason, you often finally give up trying to solve problems, and too often, you give in. Attempts at being rational with them are exhausting. You can't be right because they cannot be wrong!
6. They act on feelings, not facts. Their response to any situation is how they feel about it, not focusing on what actually happened. Because they feel it, it makes it so, and what you think has no bearing on the matter.
They also make assumptions and presumptions about your ideas, feelings, motives, and needs. They won't ask you directly. They honestly believe—and need to believe—that they know you better than and more in-depth than you know yourself. They have to do this because they are always right and you are always wrong. Right? For the high-conflict partner, the feelings ARE the facts.
7. They refuse—and are likely incapable of—self-reflection. When you are so busy making assumptions about your partner, and knowing that your partner is always wrong, why bother with introspection? Also, self-reflection is for courageous people who are not afraid of life. People with the traits described here find the very idea of looking inward completely terrifying.
8. They operate from fear at all times. That is why every disagreement is a possible war. They fear any conversation they cannot control. That's why nothing is ever their fault; they're petrified that the opposite is a possibility.
If these traits set off alarm bells for you, don't panic. When your partner has these traits, you will either argue a whole lot, or one of you will shut down, withhold, and dish out the silent treatment. Neither strategy will work.
If you love your partner and you want the relationship to work, you'll need some expert help to shift your thinking, move away from blame, and establish some new patterns of interaction. Unfortunately, you'll need to change first. Only then will you know what's possible for the relationship.
Partners with these traits are living in fear and fighting for their lives. These very real fears play out in repeated patterns, and even an argument about where to have dinner is a must-win situation for them. They developed these traits because early in their lives they needed them as survival and defense mechanisms. That's why they CAN'T play nicely, not just that they won't.
If you are in a committed relationship with a chronically difficult person who has many of the traits above, don't despair. I've helped many clients move from pain to possibility, even though their partners did not do much changing. Do the work; you'll be better for it and you'll understand the relationship dynamics in new ways.
Crazy-making behaviors may still persist, but you can put an end to second-guessing yourself and questioning your sanity.
Underneath, he still is confident and charming; she still is mysterious and delightful, but you need help. You cannot solve this on your own. Divorce is not the only answer. Get the right information and insights by getting relationship help right away. Don't wait.
P.S. If these traits apply to someone you're dating, take a step back now and re-assess. You need to get help sooner rather than later (and definitely avoid any commitments to this person until you do).
Credit:Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor

6 Fixes For A Better Relationship AND A Happier You!

      

             6 easy ways to eliminate bad relationship habits for good!

You know you have some unhealthy relationship patterns that you want to fix in yourself, like trust issues, communication issues, or assertiveness issues. Yet you can't seem to make the changes. It's really frustrating! You WANT to be different. Maybe you just don’t know HOW.
You try to stay conscientious and conscious of your reactions and responses, your thoughts around circumstances, and yet, you're still stuck in the same old patterns that are unhealthy and NOT making your relationship better.
The real question is: how do you take the information and insights you have about yourself and about life and turn them into knowledge and wisdom that you demonstrate?
It's such an important insight and question to consider when you want to create the life you most want.
There is a big difference between talking about something and doing it. There's a big difference between information and knowledge.  We can have all the information in the world but it doesn't turn into knowledge until it makes its way through us, and shows up in our changed behaviors.

 

The first and most important thing to consider is your true level of willingness, the really deep down level of willingness, not the "oh, but of course" affirmative answer. Why that's important is that you can often quiet down the "you should be better" tape by skipping over it with words.
Words are not what we need to believe. Actions are.  What you are doing tells the truth about you. It's not what you say.
Ouch! We tell ourselves such good stories about our good intentions! It's good to know the good story. It's another thing to live the good story.
So, here are some steps to taking the journey to who you most want to be in relationship to yourself and your partner, Of course, it will help with your family, your colleagues and the world, too. It is a tall order in a short space but here's what I suggest as a starting place:

1. Treat yourself kindly.
   Are you your own best friend?  Do you do for yourself what you would do for others?  Do you rest when you’re tired? Do you eat well? Or, do you beat yourself up because you’re not where you want to be?  Fill in the blanks about ways in which you currently maybe do not treat yourself kindly. Then, write a list of their opposites and apply them to your life.
    
2. Stop the judgments and communicate kindly with yourself. 
   It’s likely that you are very harsh in your judgments of yourself. Stop! Just describe the actual facts, behavior you want to change, or attitude that needs shifting WITHOUT the “slob” words and harsh parental generalizations. Talk to yourself the way you talk with others. That’s a good start. Learn more in my book, Kaizen For Couples, too.
    
3. Know what you value. 
   If something is important to you, you must demonstrate its importance in daily life by your actions.  All the talk in the world is nothing if you don’t start making small steps towards the change you want to be and see.
    
4. Know what you believe.
   Knowing what you believe and saying what you believe are different, as I mentioned above. What does your belief look like in action, in your relationships with yourself and others?
    
5. Remember, you are in charge of your mind and your mouth.
   All the gnashing of teeth about how we know better is a waste of time and air space. As Maya Angelou says, “If you know better, you do better.”  From that I think we can extrapolate that we beat ourselves up with the language of “knowing better.”There is a strange phenomenon that I observe, and you can look in the mirror and see if you see it, too: a person says they know how they want to be and, because they can give it a voice (a great first step), they let the words give them permission not to change. 
   Here’s an example: “Oh, I’m really judgmental, aren’t I?” Now the person thinks that by giving their behavior a name, they have shown their awareness.  If the next words out of their mouth are “Sometimes I just can’t help it, especially when I see someone dressed like that”  you know that the person is just giving lip service to justify their behavior.  This is WAY TOO COMMON!!!
    
6. Check in with yourself frequently.
   The only way to make honest changes in your attitudes, relationships and actions is to monitor yourself frequently. Begin the day with some reflection on who you want to be today, who you honestly want to be living in alignment with your values, vision, beliefs and purpose. Mentally rehearse being that person and feel how that is.  At the end of the day, reflect on your day and note your progress and places you would like to improve. Mentally rehearse that. 

Remember, you did not become who you are overnight. But, you’ll still be that person tomorrow if you don’t become self-reflective each day, and let it impact becoming who you most want to be!

6 Tips To Help You Manage Your Anger ... Before It Manages YOU

 

Stop letting anger control you. Reclaim your life and start feeling better about yourself.

"I don't like who I am after I let my anger fly!" That's what folks coming to me for anger management counseling and classes say.
They're disappointed, embarrassed, humiliated, and/or having to mop up a big spill of emotions that didn't need to happen. You might say, "Yes, it did! I just couldn't stand that for another minute." You know that's not true. You could have waited until you calmed down before opening your mouth. You are making a choice to speak out.
Did you notice that, often, the thing you were angry about didn't change as a result of your letting it fly? So, now there is still that issue, plus mopping up after the outburst. The relationship is doubly torched now.

 

If this sounds about right to you, then here are a few tips to manage anger and put in place:

1. Know the signs. Notice as early as possible that you are beginning to feel upset, irritated, or annoyed. Small things begin to happen in your body.
2. Focus on yourself once you notice, and not on the person, behavior, or situation that is bothering you. What's going on within you right now?
3. Use your breath to keep the focus on yourself. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth slowly a few times to relax your body and keep yourself from going into anger arousal.
4. Ask yourself, "Where do I want to be with this relationship ten minutes from now?" and behave accordingly.
5. Keep your mouth closed, and go away from the situation to regroup. This is the tough thing to do for many folks. They just want to get their anger out. Unfortunately, it spills and spews in hurtful, unhelpful ways and nothing good comes from it.
6. Wait. Wise people wait until the anger in their bodies has fully subsided before they try to discuss what is bothering them with anyone. They know they cannot communicate effectively with a head of steam up.

You may think you know these steps to manage anger, but the trick is practicing them. If you don't manage your anger, your anger will manage you. You are hurting yourself.
Trying to get rid of your upset, irritation, or frustration by yelling, swearing, discounting, belittling, and/or demanding leaves you alone with your regrets. There are better ways.
Credit: Rhoberta Shaler, PhD The Relationship Help Doctor